Website / Cracked
Cracked.com, founded in 2005, is an infotainment website spun off from the now-defunct Cracked Magazine, which was founded in 1958. It can be found here.
Formerly relying largely on humorous list articles, Cracked went from being rather famous on the internet to being a victim of Facebook's deceitful claims regarding ad revenue, which caused many sites to "pivot to video." (Video is the most expensive and time-consuming content to make, but the fastest to be consumed, and focusing on videos for social media was not a sustainable business model.) Its lists, which used to be written by anyone (hence these notes indicating inconsistency), were rooted in fact (usually) and coated in humour (mostly), dispensing interesting (often), historical (sometimes), and scientific (occasionally) trivia surrounded by jokes (always). It used to have about a half dozen full-time columnists on payroll, dishing out weekly and biweekly articles on serious subjects ranging from the cultural effects of the Internet, to GamebookGonzo-style articles about visiting the zoo while on an amount of drugs capable of killing most men, to action reporting while getting kidnapped by pirates, to on-scene journalism of warzones. Sadly, that's largely history; first in the Great Firing of 2017 after the site was sold to Scripps and most of the full-time writers and part time contractors were fired (see below), and finally in 2020, when it was sold again, this time to Literally Media, who fired nearly everyone else. They still put out two old-style articles a day, but you're likely to miss those among all the pictofacts on various subjects, news stories turned into quick-read articles and rehashes of old articles done as a series of macros.
The website used to play host to numerous Internet sketch groups, published occasional webcomics when their artists were actively posting on the forum (such as Nedroid and Daisy Owl), and had its own caption contest. It formerly published an encyclopedia known as Cracked Topics, where Cracked readers submitted articles on a variety of subjects, from Steven Seagal to Punk Rock (including one about TV Tropes) which still turn up in site searches but often with wonky formatting and broken image links.
The last part of the site to die was the Contest Forum, the source of their five weekly contests consisting of reader submitted content for cash prizes awarded by Editorial: humorous image manipulations called "Photoplasty" and Macros containing sourced facts or observations. The contest forum is here but is inaccessible, and the contests themselves are on hold indefinitely. The Writer's Workshop subforum is also inaccessible. The rest of the forums were deleted shortly before the final purge.
Cracked also had a weekly podcast, formerly hosted by Jack O'Brien before he left the site, and taken over by Alex Schmidt, in which they discussed various topics with other members of the Cracked team or invited guests in a sound booth, or live on stage in front of an audience, but this was also discontinued after the Literally Media purchase.
In December 2017, the company that owned Cracked laid off most of the L.A.-based writers, including the entire video team (thanks, Zuckerberg!) and some of the site's more prominent personalities. In January of 2020, even more layoffs hit the comedy site, with the result that their team is populated by only four full-time employees; the rest are freelancers.
For tropes relating to the original magazine, see Magazine.Cracked.
The list of columnists (some of them still contribute on a limited basis) includes:
With frequent non-columnist posters:
They also have video content filmed by Jordan Breeding and Caleb Gritsko. The videos range from cultural to just random topics.
Video contributions include:
- Cracked TV (now Does Not Compute) hosted by Michael Swaim, whose content comes primarily from lists compiled by the Cracked forums.
- Cody Johnston produces somewhat esoteric standalone videos, though in 2017 he released the weekly series Some News, and after being laid off, continued with a Spiritual Successor called Some More News.
- Agents of Cracked, Cracked's main comedy web-miniseries, starring Michael Swaim and Daniel O'Brien.
- After Hours, set in a diner where Soren Bowie, DOB, Swaim and Katie Willert discuss pop culture. Following the layoffs, Michael Swaim created a Spiritual Successor called Off Hours.
- People Watching, an animated Slice of Life series by Winston Rowntree.
- Rom.com, a Work Com set in the offices of a major dating website.
Reading and/or general association with Cracked.com will also make you irresistibly sexually attractive.
Web Video / Agents of Cracked
- And then there's Swaim's clone: "Sharp intake of breath!"
Dan: Really? I mean, I can't believe we're stooping to that... as a website.
- Also Lampshades Swaim's Hammerspace.
Kelly: I'm a huge fan of AOC.
DOB: *blank stare*
Micheal: "But that's what would happen if you left, Dan. I'd miss you a lot, and then I'd die. Is that what you want?!"
Michael: "It got easier when I remembered the children's cemetery."
- Played straight, because The Chief is.
Dan: That kinda got away from you, huh?
Michael: I don't think it did.
- They become a real couple in the finale.
- Given a nod in the first episode of the second season. The Sarge is convinced that if he refuses to take the position The Chief will shrink down, climb into his brain and force him to do it. And when that's debunked, he thinks he'll go back in time.
Daniel: You must understand, our entire editorial process is basically a toxic containment system meant to prevent Michael's real personality from ever leaking out into the world...
- Canonized when it is revealed that the entire Cracked website was created to keep Swaim occupied and distracted.
- Another possible one: "Are you just stuck in a loop listing things? Because I can talk you through that." Cracked.com is famous for list-based articles.
- When Michael is presumed dead, a radio host starts listing "The Top Ten Deadest Things About Michael Swaim."
- Sarge gets a brief one when he and Mandy are shown in bed together.
- Swaim and Dan are caught sneaking into Broked.com's office, and are interrogated by an identical team played by themselves. Much to Dan's dismay, this leads to Screw Yourself.
- Same episode, a blink and you miss it appearance of T-Bone's robot double, B-Tone.
- It turns out that Broked.com is staffed by clones of everyone at Cracked.
Swaim: I'm going full ronin on this one. I'll wander from town to town starting my own multinational humour outlets.
DOB: ... That is a big process, and I don't think you're qualified for any... ANY one aspect of it. I don't believe there is a single step you could handle. I mean, do you even have a place to stay?
Swaim: I've got a few places in mind.
DOB: I changed the locks in my apartment.
Swaim: Why would you-?! Alright. Fuck. FUCK!
Sarge: "So, what are you gonna do with the site now that it has no other purpose than as a repository for dick jokes?"
Chief: "I don't know. Sell some hats?"
Swaim: One day we will be best friends, or die trying.
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Funny / Cracked
On the heels of the command, a red and blue streak shot across the camera's field and slammed into Wong, sending both of them flipping into the background with a series of sickening thuds. It was Seanbaby. When they stopped rolling, he stood, now wearing all of David Wong's clothes. Wong, himself, was dressed from head to toe in a skin tight, red and blue, leather jumpsuit that I can only imagine had adorned Sean's body before the attack. Around the seams were tiny spots of blood, where Sean had stapled the outfit to the unconscious man. I thought about asking him how he did that, but I opted for silence, for fear that after asking the question, I'd turn around to find him standing behind me, fully prepared to demonstrate.
(The first image is a two-parter, with Seanbaby sitting amongst a pile of fireworks)
Seanbaby: Hi! Before we get started, let's look at some important safety tips!
(The second part is him showing off the back of a fireworks display, and its safety "comic")
Seanbaby: Flames and explosions hurt, but not as much as knowing your kid is a pussy. Don't put your parents through that with firework safety, you selfish assholes.
Caption: Do not listen to this man.
Seanbaby: I can never tell when Japan is making fun of us, but Metal Wolf Chaos begins when the Vice President takes control of the military by loudly hating freedom and the only one left to stop him is President Mike Wilson. As soon as he hears about the trouble, President Wilson gets into his Presidential Power Armor and front-flip rocket jumps out of the White House. To make sure you understand how little of a shit this game gives, here's what robot jump rockets do to a White House:
(Four-panel screenshot of said scene, with "Fucking BOOOOM!!!" covering three of the four panels)
President Michael Wilson: LET'S PARTY.
Seanbaby: I've never seen anyone understand what it's like to be American more than the makers of Metal Wolf Chaos, and I once watched a man die during a pie eating contest from alcohol poisoning. Also, like most Americans, the game is way more awesome than it is correct.
When it was clear to us that a careful study of dongs was in order, we decided to explore the many aspects of the dong phenomena. The popularity of dongs is unprecedented, and it is our responsibility to dive right in and try to deliver while such an insatiable public hunger for dongs exists.
There is no reasonable series of events that could come together in any order that would make that a misunderstanding. "I got naked and fell into a pile of weed and decided not to check myself afterwards"? Nope. "I thought this was how you properly disposed of drugs"? No you didn't. "My girlfriend loves the smell of pot on my dick"? Bullshit. No girlfriend will ever love that smell.
How This Excuse Could Work: For the entire world to be a retarded sitcom, written four generations into a writers strike, where everyone has nine grams of marijuana around their genitals and ten times that in their bloodstream.
Better Excuse: "I'm part of a highly secretive, extremely experimental undercover Drug Enforcement Team. In an effort to catch a gang of all homosexual pot-dealers, we wrap marijuana around our dicks. We call this 'fishing,' and it's awful." You're bound to at least get some creativity points for that.
When you create a Sim, it records a copy of them. This allowed me to go back to the menu and start the game over with a fresh genetic clone of Subject Beef and Turbo Sexaphonic. With science marching along next to me, I moved them into the burned-out, haunted remains of my old facility to recreate our grand experiment. What happened next is a true story: the clone rummaged through the trash for exactly 25 hours, then ran to the pool to sink and die. It's like the first thing he did after being created was remember what I had done. Going over all this data, I can conclude that science and all the dark-sided Gozar-summoning magic it brings with it can kiss my ass.
- Related to this is when Brockway wrote an article about gun violence and violent video games. One of his rhetorical suggestions was that we as a society ditch Call of Duty and play the more peaceful game series, The Sims. Cue everyone in the comments section asking him if he's ever played the game (or at least read Seanbaby's article) and swapping all the different creative ways they've murdered their Sims and other characters from supposed non-violent video games (ie, Rollercoaster Tycoon) in ways that Call of Duty could only dream of. As one commentor put it, at least the NPCs in Call of Duty shoot back.
- Number 13 is the image for Public Service Announcement. Now try to look at it the same after reading their interpretation: "If the ghost of chalk Hitler is so pleased by people driving alone, why does he look so terribly sad? Maybe because the stone cold pimp in the driver's seat just made him watch while his dick played hopscotch with the ghost of chalk Eva Braun."
- And Number 1. It's a poster trying to promote peace between Taiwan and China... depicting a bunch of nubile Asian women in bikinis laying about. "Problem? Who said there's a problem? This is the best damn thing we've ever seen."
- Even more hilarious is that one of those "ideas"- "Red Dawn Of The Dead" is actually a real unproduced script, not sure whether the Cracked writers knew about it or not, but it sure is an amazing coindidence. You can read it here.
- Also, from the Burger King entry:
Man: Holy shit!
Burger King: YOU'VE BEEN DEAD FOR HOURS.
Man: What is this?
Burger King: GIVE ME YOUR TEETH.
According to Joseph, his friends had left the party reading quotes from the bible to each other and were on their way to assist the homeless. According to the police, the group was shooting off flamethrowers and wheeling a giant cannon down the street toward an orphanage. The truth is probably somewhere in between.
Joseph was rushed to the hospital where doctors discovered the 19 bullet-holes in his body. The attending physician later testified that Joseph was "probably in severe pain." Dr. Obvious likely went on to say that the red stuff pouring out of Joseph's body was "probably blood."
When the doctors at the field hospital found out he had a whole, working rocket inside him, there was the usual panic and screaming until someone finally calmed down enough to try and save his life. This was despite the fact that the army manual called for him to be dumped far away from everyone and treated last. Seriously, nothing makes you more unpopular to a group than having a live bomb inside you.
He was serious about ending it all though and kept pulling the trigger on the nail gun like a guy waiting for an elevator. By the time he was done, he had a dozen nails embedded in his head. It's unclear why he stopped but a good guess is because it really hurts to shoot nails into your skull.
- That encyclopedia is hilarious. To the people that doubt the hilarity of it, it's the Trope Namer for And That's Terrible!.
- Special mention should also go to #5 the Knight Gallery. There's nothing quite as amusing as looking at Batman's Fashion Journal.
- There's also #6. "The American Standard"... The "cool guy" photo is young, 1970's Ron Jeremy. The "stupid-looking guy photo"... present-day Ron Jeremy!
- Fitting with Soren's Stupid Sexy Flanders tendencies, the description that Soren "only occasionally hunts men for sport" can also be interpreted with homoerotic undertones.
- The at least partially deranged look on Robert Brockway's face in the "defensive cell phone pic [his] wife snapped after she came home from shopping and realized she forgot the Jameson."
Astronaut 1: Oh, Crap!. This thing says the moon is hollow.
Astronaut 2: Weird.
(rumbling, then a monster emerges)
Moon Monster: REEEAWWHKRRR!(moon stars breaking apart)
Astronaut 1: Sweet! SWEET!
Astronaut 2:This is why I became an astronaut! TO DIE LIKE THIS! EXACTLY LIKE THIS!
- Shrink rays are very commonplace, it seems...
(Lex Luthor is flying a ship and has the shrunken down Hall of Justice next to him)
Lex Luthor: You little guys okay in there?
Someone from inside: FUCK YOU!
- The actual quotes from the episodes are ridiculous:
Apache Chief: I can't believe it! A moon creature, as big as the—
Superman: THIS IS A JOB FOR SUPERMAN! (flies off)
Apache Chief: (indignant glare)
Seanbaby: Look, we get that everyone on the team who isn't you is a little bit pointless, Superman, but when you're being attacked by something big and you're standing next to the guy whose power is exactly that, shouting "THIS IS A JOB FOR SUPERMAN!" is a lot like saying, "You're only here for the Native American employee tax incentives!"
- "Colossus, a Giant of Giants" summed up in two panels:
(Superman and Apache Chief are watching as the Earth gets absorbed by a gigantic, stringy gray beard)
Superman: Is that, like, live? We're in a beard?! Who's filming this?! Haha this is fucking stupid. We should be dead.
Apache Chief: Hold on. I think I have a plan...
(Smash Cut to Apache Chief wrestling Colossus in space)
Apache Chief: INDIAN WRESTLING IN OUTER SPACE!!!
- And once again, the actual quote:
Superman: Our computers show that this is a giant strand of hair!
Apache Chief: And that's what's blocking the sun's rays?
Seanbaby: It's good to know that after the Earth collides into cosmic facial hair, it will only take two professional super heroes and a computer several minutes to figure out what's going on. Apache Chief and Superman are looking right at a picture of Earth in a beard and they're still puzzling their way through it.. "Superman. Earth's buildings are being demolished by pubic lice. There are trace amounts of soup in the atmosphere. My people do not grow hair of the facials, yet my Indian senses are warning me... this! May be a beard!"
- "Colossus, a Giant of Giants" summed up in two panels:
- This... disturbingly logical extrapolation from the failure of the latest Bat-gadget:
Robin: "Wait a second, Batman. If this Bat Insect Repellent is useless against insects, why have we been carrying tubes of it around in our body cavities? Batman? I deserve an answer, Batman."
- A comment sums up all of it up perfectly:
What. The. Epic. Fuck?
If ships were people, this one would be the kid who ate paste off a stick. And then almost killed the president by accident.
- In November of 1943, President Franklin D. Roosevelt was being taken to a summit in Iran, where he was to have a secret meeting with Stalin and Churchill. Naturally, this is the convoy that takes up three-fifths of the list.
The USS William D. Porter was only one of the ships in the convoy that was going to get them there. There was only one problem: The Porter was staffed with the cast of Police Academy.
- As the result of one of the ship's anchors not being fully raised, as the Porter left dock, it proceeded to cause thousands of dollars of damage to the deck of its sister ship "like a coked up toddler in a candy store".
- The Porter, at two separate points, decides to demonstrate its capability of handling threats via simulation drills. And both times, it winds up almost killing the President.
- Firstly, during a drill involving the launching of fake depth charges, one of the rounds actually wound up rolling off of the deck and falling into the water. Where it promptly exploded, because it was still armed, and causing everyone else in the convoy to briefly assume the Axis powers caught wind of the secret convoy and began to attack.
So, one of the drills that the Porter was tasked with was sending out fake depth charges for practice. You can tell where this train wreck is heading, can't you?
- And then a separate drill shortly after sees the Porterfire a live torpedo towards the President's ship. What's more, due to the secretive nature of the convoy, all ships involved were to partake in radio silence... which the Porter's captain was more than willing to maintaindespite the fact one of their torpedoes was currently rocketing towards the President.
You'd think that "just shot a torpedo at the president" would be one of those times when you have to break the rule for the greater good.Not according to the brainiacs on the Porter. They decided radio silence trumped the life of their commander in chief and everyone else on board the ship, so they used light signals to warn the Iowa a torpedo was coming. Light signals. Like it was 1775 and they were at the Old North Church waiting for Paul Revere.
- "But they couldn't even get that part right." Repeated usage of the light signals resulted in the Porter informing the Iowa the torpedo was going the other direction and the Porter accidentally declaring they were "going in reverse full speed" before someone outright took to the radio and told the Iowa about the torpedo and to turn hard right. All the while, President Roosevelt expressed a desire to see the torpedo in action.
- Firstly, during a drill involving the launching of fake depth charges, one of the rounds actually wound up rolling off of the deck and falling into the water. Where it promptly exploded, because it was still armed, and causing everyone else in the convoy to briefly assume the Axis powers caught wind of the secret convoy and began to attack.
- Shortly after the depth charge incident, a wave wound up striking the ship, causing a crewmate to be washed off, never to be found, and the ship to wind up losing power due to the boiler getting flooded. The article's author, understandably, described this particular incident as being "because every single man on the Willie Dee had made a deal with the devil and lost".
- The men who failed to disable the torpedo were sentenced to hard labor, only for Roosevelt himself to reduce the sentence.
Caption: "I hear you all tried to kill me. Haven't had that much fun since polio."
- And then you get to the final fate of the Porter: it wound up being reassigned to the Pacific, where it took place in the Battle of Okinawa. After accidentally firing upon a sister ship, it would proceed to shoot down a Japanese bomber plane, whereupon it went into the water... and continued its trajectory before striking the Porterfrom underneathand blowing it up.
It sank three hours later, without the loss of a single crew member. We think the Porter kept them alive so they would forever have to live with the fact that they served on the Porter.
Hamburglar: "A census taker tried to test me once. I ate his liver with McNuggets and a vanilla milkshake. Rabble rabble."
Oh, we forgot to tell you not to read this during lunch.
Ever since I blacked out in the bathrooms at Beso and woke up next to that crying gypsy woman, I can only hear letters as notes of music.
Cody Johnston: Well, in the Extended Universe...
Michael Swaim: (Hard Indignant Slap in the Face)
- 5, Casu Marzu, aka maggot cheese.
This, dear reader, is a medium-sized lump of Sweet Fucking Christ.
And, there may actually be a market for this. Self-loathing is a powerful force in this economy (see the diet section of your local supermarket) and there' times you get low enough that, damn it, you feel like you deserve nothing better than infested cheese.
Do you wince at the thought of swallowing a tequila worm? Imagine how you'd feel during a session on this bastard. Whoops, I swallowed a dead mouse! Whoops, there goes another one! Whoops, I just puked my entire body out of my nose!
Who are you going to find in America that's OK with drinking dead fetus juice as a way to improve their own health? OK, other than lawyers.
Of all the dishes, this is the one most likely to be mistaken for a threatening message from the mob. It's a sheep' head. Boiled.
No wonder why the Iraqis keep blowing themselves up. Wouldn't you, if every evening meal was a festival of death?
- 1, balut, aka a duck fetus.
They are typically sold by street vendors at night, out of buckets of warm sand. You can spot the vendors because of their glowing red eyes, and the faint, otherworldly sound of children screaming.
Actually, marketed properly, these eggs could be a damn good motivator. When you've looked death in the face at breakfast time, what the hell else can the day throw at you?
- "How MMA Proved That The Bigger Guy Usually Loses Horribly" is an article about checking "freak show" fights where one of the opponents is above 300 pounds and overweighs their rival for at least 70 pounds. Here are some highlights:
"These days, the biggest a UFC fighter can be is 265 pounds. Which means, by regulation, that horse breeders have to masturbate 35 pounds of semen from Brock Lesnar before an event. It's also why he spends the first minute of each fight asking the referee, "Who! Has taken Brock's boner!?" But for the first four years of the organization, there was no such thing as "weight classes." You could walk right into the cage weighing 410 goddamn pounds, like sumo wrestler Teila Tuli. That's the size of Brock Lesnar wearing a former horse breeder as a belt."
- The description of Bob Sapp in entry #4:
"Bob Sapp was a genuine monster born from the hubris of science. He was 2 pounds of teeth gnashing from a hole in 395 pounds of steroid abuse, and looked like something a doctor would regret making as it broke free from its restraints screaming "FATHER!" He's the living answer to the question "How many basketballs can you stuff under human skin before it ruptures?" Sapp looked like he learned how to fight by watching bats fly into windmills, but it didn't matter. He mauled Yoshihisa Yamamoto in the first round, and trampled Kiyoshi Tamura in 11 seconds. Both men were about half his size, and suddenly that was a bad thing. When a man weighs 400 pounds, the way you use the phrase "cause of death" changes dramatically when those pounds are lean muscle and not donut ghosts. And Bob Sapp was a sentient avalanche of kangaroo steaks. By the way, it's maybe relevant to mention that Japanese fight promotions absolutely do not care if you're on steroids. The closest thing they have to drug testing is a Game Show where you poop in a robot and it tells a studio audience if your leavings are forlorn or adventurous."
- The description of Butterbean in #3...
"Butterbean is a 408-pound boxer who appeared after a bowling ball and a murderer made a wish on the same lamp. He's a fearless, neckless sphere who, starting at the end of 2005, casually punched a dump truck accident's worth of trauma into anyone dumb enough to get in the ring with him."
"He lost four of his six MMA matches [in The New '10s], which is still nothing short of amazing for a hundred-fight veteran in his mid 40s. Butterbean should be the name on our tanks. When terrorists meet with their arms dealers, they should say, "What is this shit you have brought me? The Americans have Butterbeans. Butterbeans! These guns won't scratch the paint on a Butterbean!""
- The end of the article has a very sounding description of japanese MMA promotions:
"We've learned Japanese athletic commissions are nothing but clubs where men Google fat people and debate the best way to attach machetes to an orangutan."
- "The 5 greatest revenge matches in MMA history". Especially the descriptions of the fighters:
[For Brock Lesnar in Lesnar vs. Frank Mir]:Brock Lesnar is a human cheat-code. He is 300 pounds of muscle and judging by the way he darts around, I don't think mass and inertia were properly explained to him. He has so much wild animal meat inside him at any time that bears unsheath their penis bones when his scent catches the wind. Brock Lesnar is exactly what you would use if you were making an army of super clone soldiers, which explains why his outgoing voicemail message is, "I am one of you, ordinary human. You can tell me where the resistance is hiding after the beep. Brock is such a physical beast that in his first UFC fight, his second MMA fight ever, he got matched up against the former UFC Heavyweight Champion, Frank Mir. Despite having about 70 seconds of professional fighting experience, Brock was manhandling Frank. He threw him down, punched him down, and scientists everywhere started calling each other, trying to figure out which of their colleagues had finally figured out how to turn into the Hulk. (...) One criticism of Brock's fighting technique is his lack of patience. In his early MMA fights, he tended to frantically whack at his opponents like his mother just deleted his save game. This never really mattered since a sloppy half-punch from Brock Lesnar is an extinction level event for spinal fluid. He has more muscles in his forearms than a clown has in his four freezers. Brock had to marry a pro wrestler because when he shifts in his sleep it's the equivalent of The Bushwhackers Irish-whipping you into a steel ladder."
[For Cheick Kongo in Kongo vs. Pat Barry]:Frenchman Cheick Kongo is an intimidating slab of dark continent. A fight fan might know him as the man who elbowed Paul Buentello in half. A non-fight fan know him as the awesome-sounding name on his wife's bucket list. If Cheick Kongo was standing behind Abraham Lincoln when he signed the Emancipation Proclamation, the South would have totally agreed.
[For Pat Barry in the same article]:Intimidation doesn't work against Pat Barry. When he took on Crocop, the most dangerous kicker who ever lived, Pat stopped fighting to give him a hug. Pat Barry has so little concept of danger that his cause of death is probably going to be dry humping a gorilla in front of a camera phone.
- "10 Most Insane Acts of Violence in Kickboxing History":
Glaube's sweetest weapon is a gator kick he calls the "Brazilian Kick." It's an attack that looks like his thigh and shin can't agree on what they're doing. It starts low so your opponent's elbow comes down to protect his body, then your kneecap dislodges and your foot swings over his gloves and into his betrayed face. You can't trust Glaube's leg. Glaube's leg will invite you over for sex and then sell you Amway. Poisoned Amway.
As a Japanese hero, biased judges always sent [Feitosa's] fights into extra "tie-breaking" rounds. Musashi could get pummeled into an ambulance and the judges would chase after it to tell him he still has an extra round to fight. If you punch Musashi in the eye, the Japanese judges write that down as "Musashi sternly gazes at opponent's honorless fist: 75 points." When Musashi dies, Japanese ringside teams will exhume his body for a tie-breaker round against the robots that killed him.
Counter fighting against Glaube Feitosa is like playing catch with hot soup — it only ends quickly and stupidly.
Feitosa backed Musashi up with punches, threw a Brazilian Kick, then a front kick to the face. Musashi awesomely blocked and dodged all of this, but he was out of room. He bounced off the ropes just as Feitosa went into the air with a flying knee. Geologists can't explain why the ground shook for a moment, but wise men say that it was the erections of ancient war gods raging under the Earth.
Kaman wears trunks with a rainbow across the crotch. Why? Because he wants you to picture how badly he could kill you if you said something about it. Plus, it makes it impossible to tell whether he's going to fuck you or your wife.
Piotrowski collapsed to a knee, swinging the whole time. Then this crazy bastard wobbled back to his feet only to have the referee stop the fight. Why? Because Piotrowski was completely god damn asleep. Rob Kaman shattered the part of his brain that tells your body when it's in a coma. The referee held his unconscious body, but he was holding it more back than he was up. Which is a pretty ballsy thing to do to a guy who just turned into a zombie right in front of you.
- Remi Bonjasky vs Akebono:
For two rounds Remy Bonjasky punched and kicked Akebono as he helplessly shambled in a tiny circle. Chocolate rabbits have more natural defenses than Akebono. I didn't know if Remy was toying with him or waiting for the ice cream inside to melt just to see what would happen. It was so embarrassing that I think the Japanese subtitles tried to trick the audience into thinking they were watching a panther kill a bean bag. Then, in the third round, Remy landed a head kick. Akebono looked so dead that local restaurant owners panicked. To this day, it's the most violent thing ever done to butter. They say that if you watch this fight while you're cooking, your cream sauce will break.
- Buakaw Por Pramuk vs. Masato: Ass Kicking of the Eight Limbs:
In the first round, Buakaw opened a Muay Thai school on Masato. Thai survivors of Japan's WWII invasion watch this and say, "Jesus, take it easy on the Japanese fella."
Most Thai fighters like to go slow in the first round and feel their opponent out. So if a Thai fighter spent the first round beating you like you were filled with candy, terrible things are in your future. Buakaw hunted Masato in a way that no behavioral forensics investigator would call human. At one point he boots Masato into the ropes, spins him around, and kicks both legs out from under him. Masato was so confused where he was, he had to spit to figure out which way was up like an avalanche victim.
After this one-sided fight went the distance, it seemed pretty easy for the Japanese judges to pick a winner — the awesome guy without all the footprints on his face. But on the other hand, Masato is Japanese. So they called it a tie and made them fight a fourth round. Coincidentally, four is the same number of years this insane decision took off Masato's lifespan.
The extra round went like the others. Buakaw filmed a How To Break A Man's Will With Muay Thai instructional tape all over Masato's legs, body, and head. Masato kept clinching to try and rest, but Muay Thai doesn't use the clinch for resting. As soon as any hug started, Buakaw either kneed an organ to death or spiked Masato into the mat like a football. After that, the judges didn't send it to a fifth round, probably because Masato's life insurance didn't cover suicide.
In comical slow motion, Sapp bent down and contorted his face in pain, surprise, and 8 emotions only buffalo have names for. He looked like he was trying to act out Total Recall for a deaf person. Something in his skull broke and it was taking a very long time for all the pain signals to reach the twin brains located in buttocky clusters of muscles in his calves.
As it would be explained to him later at the minotaur clinic, Cro Cop broke his orbital bone. Then they of course asked him to leave. His doctor didn't go to 12 years of minotaur school to treat a filthy cyclops.
- In a similar vein, "The 6 least sportsmanlike Moments in MMA":
When a person gets knocked out, strange things happen. Sometimes you wake up quickly and have no idea what happened. Sometimes you stay unconscious until the A-Team is done saving everyone in your illegal sweatshop. In John Matua's case, his brain got confused and told every part of his body to go jogging in a different direction. So he hit the ground stiff and twitching. Tank Abbott, with the class one would expect from central casting's idea of a prison movie extra, looked back at the body and mocked his seizure. Mocked his seizure. That's the kind of thing that makes Satan shuffle the papers on his desk and say, "Shit, I don't even think I have a form for that."
- "A Book of Insults Just For the UFC". After expositing the Jerkass nature of Josh Koscheck (mocking, bullying, and general douchebaggery towards everyone involved), Seanbaby started writing down insults about Josh. However, he was under contract to write a book for a publisher at the time, who owned everything he wrote. So it was turned into a children's book: "1001 Josh Kos-BACKS!"
#112: Josh Koscheck, when the rest of us were learning right from wrong, was your wrestling coach teaching you how to fist a wrestling coach?
(Clipart of kids holding a banner reading "Gotcha fucker!")
- There are various "chapters" of this "book", such as one on getting personal:
201: Josh Koscheck looks so much like a picture negative of Scary Spice that Eddie Murphy gave him an abortion.
(Pictures of Scary Spice and Koscheck being sucked into a "Bizarro Mirror")
(Image of Eddie Murphy with a speech bubble reading "That one's a thinker!"'
Caption': "You got Pluto Nashed!"''
- ... and one for straight-up questions of Josh's masculinity:
401: Josh Koscheck spends so much time rubbing his silky skin against iron hard men that his erection always points to magnetic north.
(Image of Shaggy 2 Dope from the "Miracles" music video
Caption: "Fuckin' magnets! That's how they work!"
402: Maybe Josh isn't gay, but his mouth has 219 reviews on Yelp.
(Image of Josh celebrating a victory with the caption "People love my mouth on Yelp".)
Dick's moral compass pointed in two directions: hell and back.
As soon as he exclaimed the word "spider," I jumped into immediate action, leaping up onto a nearby chair to make myself appear larger and more frightening to the spider. In a brave effort to scare it away, thus mercifully sparing its life, I let out a high-pitched scream and released an abundance of saline from my eyes, known by wise men to be a natural spider repellent.
Despite my heroic attempts, it stayed in place, taunting us with its steadfast grip on our floor. That's when my son showed his true colors. With a gaze as cold as arctic night, he lifted his foot. And without the slightest hint of emotion, he brought it down. Just like that, he was a killer. A victim of Grand Theft Auto V, forever damned to a life of unforgivable sin.
[picture of a shoe] In spider legend, it is known as the Eater of Worlds.
Slowly and cautiously, I backed out of the room. As my son watched me, his eyes showed confusion, but his heart showed the home of the devil.
I've since burned down my house to cleanse our tainted possessions, and my wife brought me to a magic doctor who gave me anti-devil pills to keep the dark infection away.
"So, are you imagining Daniel Radcliffe being sodomized by Alan Rickmanand then giving birth to his children? You are now! Merry Christmas!"
Are you on a tireless search for the manliest way to shave your balls?
To the surprised weekend janitor who discovered me, the children and the complicated and — if we could all just step back and get real for a second — objectively impressive maze/deathtrap that I built...
"After Iceman's wingman gets shot down, Maverick is sent in to help save the day. The result is a sick-ass dogfight with the planes flying all around each other and blowing crap up while Kenny Loggins hollers lyrics about danger and highways because nobody told him that this was a jet movie. (Or more likely, because you can't pay Kenny Loggins enough to care. About anything. Dude's a total nihilist.)"
(The next picture shows Kenny Loggins onstage at a concert, with a huge grin plastered on his face.)
Caption: "What did I just fucking tell you about clapping while I'm trying to work?"
NOTE: All titles are also up for grabs as band names.
Ken Lo: HOLY SHIT, YOU REALLY DID IT!
Jackie Chan: GLBBB!
Ken Lo: I'M COMING TO KICK YOU!
Jackie Chan: BLGGHBLG!
Ken Lo: OH I'M REALLY COMING!
Jackie Chan: GBB! BHHGBH!
Ken Lo: AND... IT'S ALMOST KICK TIME!Jesus, Jackie are you okay?
Jackie Chan: GGGB...
Ken Lo: OH NO, I MISSED MY KICK!Seriously, dude— are you alright?
Jackie Chan: GGGG...
- ... or the 21-story skyscraper slide from Who Am I? (1998):
Seanbaby: When Jackie Chan, the actor, saw the leap that his character, Jackie Chan, was supposed to make, he had two words to say. The first one was "SHIT." Obviously. The second one was "YES," but it took him two weeks to say it. That's how long the world's most derangedly brave man took to work up the nerve to do this stunt.
(Montage of Jackie falling down said building)
Jackie: Shit.SHIIIIT!!!! Shit. Shit. Shit shit shit shit shit shit.SHIIIIIIT.
Someone inside: Mijnheer? How did my window get covered in footprints and terror pee?
- And the ending, when Swaim realizes that, because he's left-handed, he plays into the Hollywood stereotype that lefties are only fit for supporting roles.
Most mods aren't offered any support by game developers, and in some cases the developers even try to shut mods down. The developers of Just Cause 2, however, took one look at a picture of 2,000 people surfing fighter jets into an active volcano and realized that it would be a crime against humanity to stand in their way. So they gave the mod their blessing, which means it got an official release through Steam, where you can buy it for the modest price of free.
Quick: What's the first thing that happens when a person dies? Sure, there's shock and sadness and the occasional influx of tabloid journalists because there's no way anyone could do that with a bowling ball and lighter fluid and not wind up in a newspaper postmortem.
Mick: Keith, stop pouring sugar all over it. You're getting hyper.
Keith: ... sugar?
Captain America: Wait wait shit! I know you're upset, but this will probably kill me!
Thor: FUUUUCK! THEEE!!!
So, y'know, imagine finding out that your bold, brave ancestor was also a chronic public masturbator and being unable to do anything about it. Also note that this was not the first time in his family line that Desmond encountered such perversions. Yeah, we're not sure how these guys had ancestors in the first place.
The weirdest, or most awesome, thing about this glitch is that the animation isn't just an "if you look at it a certain way" kind of thing. No, it's almost disturbingly real, and it gets kind of uncomfortable to watch after a few seconds. Like someone put it there on purpose, perhaps to make Connor more relatable to the average gamer.
- Many of his articles tend to start off in a fairly lucid style, and then go off the rails by the second page. "The 12 Most Common Fantasies Teenage Boys Have" being particularly hilarious. It begins with fairly normal examples but by the end...
"Turning a former bully into a friend, and then turning that friend into a club is perhaps the most common fantasy of all. There are a few variants to this fantasy, although the most typical involves you now as the pilot of a large, multi-horse, Voltron-type creature. Obviously."
"#5. Psychological Warfare: Eventually it will come to pass that all of your attackers will escape, and you will no longer be able to actively defend yourself. But don't put your stick away yet! Because the government requires that children go to school, you have a very good idea where to find them on the next weekday and will be able to lie there in ambush. The courts call this Terror Stick Stalking Against a Minor, and it's your constitutional right."
"Before we begin, it's important to pin down your motivation for attacking an animal with a bicycle chain. There are two primary reasons why you might want to do this.
1. You have a massive chemical imbalance in your brain
"Many legal tests for self-defense collapse around the twenty-fifth bicycle chain lash. And if you chase a penguin across an entire zoo screaming obscenities at it, 'That's not self defense at all,' many judges will claim, shaking their heads with a confused and hurt look on their faces. 'We don't have a crime for what you've done.'"
I'm sorry that once revealed and confronted by you, I nakedly screamed, "COME AT ME YOU FASCIST DOG. YOUR PRECIOUS FRICTION CAN'T SAVE YOU NOW." Again, in retrospect, my use of "fascist" was incorrect. This mistake will haunt me for the rest of my days.
I'm really sorry you wrestled varsity in high school. Holy shit.
Without acknowledging any responsibility, I'm sorry about the fire.
- 14 Things Even An Idiot Like You Can Do To Save The World. After a series of articles that readers complained were too preachy, Chris Bucholz swoops in and satirises his colleagues' self-righteousness by providing advice that gets more psychotic the further you read. What started out with ''#14. Be Nice To People'' ended with ''#1. Go To The Bathroom In Your Yard, Then Throw It Into Your Neighbors' Yards''.
- There's a Bird in the House! How Not to Proceed. In which Bucholz' wife almost immediately learns to regret sending her husband downstairs to deal with an errant sparrow. By the time he's done, there are two birds in the house. Plus a cat... which is covered in PAM nonstick spray. Oh, and a badger...
- His Steath Advertisement article for his book, Severance"5 Books That Don't Deserve The Amount Of Hate They Get", especially the fake Amazon reviews from users such as 'Chris Borchles'.
"This book is great if you're some kind of sicko interested in boys wearing very few clothes, but its not very much fun for normal people. You're far less likely to be arrested reading Chris Bucholz's new novel Severence. Which depicts nudity gracefully, in its strongest, most natural form. Twelve Stars."
- As the capstone to this running gag, Number 1 on the list is "Severance" itself.
Ultron: Enter: ULTRON!!! Surrender your world to Ultron!
Ant-Man: AVENGERS ASSEMB—
Tigra: Shut up! I was supposed to say it!
Ant Man: But I'm the team leader!
The Vision: Nuh-uh! Wasp said I got to be team leader this time!
Ultron: Face Ultron's robotic wrath!
Ant Man: No, that was only if you gave me back my backpack! But then you threw it in the toilet!
The Vision: You still got it back! God!
The Vision: And anyways, fuck you! You're Ant Man!
Ultron: Ultron's sensors indicate someone needs a time out—
Ant Man:(not acknowledging Ultron) What is that supposed to mean?
Hawkeye: It means you attract ants and shrink. My dick has the same power when I stick it in Jello.
Wasp: Speaking of which, why didn't any of you guys respond to me e-vite about my Jello mold potluck?! Everyone hates me!
The Falcon:I didn't come because crazy white people put their dicks in Jello around here.
Hawkeye: People might like you more if you didn't have your tongue in NFL SuperPro all day!
Wasp: One time! And you and I weren't even going out yet! God!
(off-panel): You think you're so great, but you suck!
(off-panel): No, You!
Ultron: (beat)ULTRON IS WINNING!
Toy Story is the story of a character who was once popular, but fears he is outdated and will be forgotten in place of a newer and more talented rival. As the adventure unfolds, we learn the valuable lesson that despite their differences, Tim Allen is still somewhat relevant in Hollywood and won't be overshadowed by Tom Hanks. Also, your toys talk when you're not looking.
And I'm also just going to toss this out there: that's a pretty awesome ass. Like, I get angry looking at that ass, because Kanye West is clearly a dick face and he gets to draw faces on that ass or put nickels in it for fun or whatever, and I feel left out. I'd do literally everything with Kim Kardashian's ass. And the rest of her. This is becoming way more sexist than I'd planned.
"The thin concrete and wooden walls that keep thieves away from us and our cool things obviously won't slow down lightsabers very much at all. This will of course be a problem as soon as lightsabers arrive in our world, but once the wave of displaced workers arrives, it will get a lot worse — just hordes upon hordes of unemployed lumberjacks roaming the suburbs, looking for easy money. There honestly wouldn't be much point in locking your door at night once this happens, so likely is the chance of a burglar-shaped hole appearing in the wall beside it."
(Image of a wall with a large elliptical hole in it)
Caption: What's this shit? An irregular oval? Care a little, man!
(in response to some of the website's terrible pickup lines) Jesus, you call those jokes? Now I know what it looks like when a clown has an abortion.
(YouTube embed of Batman and the Joker going goddamn surfing)
Caption: Again, for this show.
I'm getting desperate here.
Rip: F-Fyook!What have I done!? All of reality!!!
Popsicle Pete: REALITY. SUCH GAMES YOU CREATURES PLAY WITH WORDS.
This fall, it will move on to its 12th season, and so far it's been five seasons of actual stuff and six seasons of producers hoping that the two leads don't audition for a Marvel movie.
Male 1: Yeah...I stuck my ass against the bars of a wolverine cage. (Audience laughs)
Male 2:note William Shatner's character Wait if you're here who is advising the president. (Audience can't believe how fucking funny that is)
Seanbaby: Wow, I thought they weren't trying before. I've seen better comedy from real doctors when they explain the abortion options to aDane Cookgroupie. Looks like the writers typed "INT. DAY: A DUDE'S BUTTHOLE" and figured they were done working for the week... I guess I can respect that. At least when William Shatner spends an entire scene with his hand up an Aryan they keep the racist jokes to a minimum. While I'm on the subject, deaf people, I've always wondered if there are racial slurs in sign language.Like if you're signing "Filipino," is there a mean way to hold your nose? And when deaf people start to get crazy in bed, do they have a safe gesture? Because that would explain why deaf girlsalways call me for travelingwhen shit gets weird.
We at the Ford Motor Company respectfully submit that any beast that lays with you deserves as much discomfort as our aerodynamic design
In regards to "the elaborate costumery" of your day, we at the Ford Motor Company can only conclude that you write like several dicks
jumped out of your mouth to perform rhythmic gymnastics on the keyboard. We are going to remove 37 safety features from each of our
Ford Motor Company
Caption: Quick, think of something before he dies — "You've been businessed."Goddamnit.
#10: I can't wait to make a living playing music!" ... "How did an empty bar manage to yell 'FREEBIRD!' at me?!"
Here is a food equation. Can you eat a math? I will try.
(Screenshot of the recipe from the book)
Put meat in tin along with potassium tube. Extra K+ ions meet cow peptides for powerful good times. Lift many things with anti-starvation loaf. Use newfound strength to rebuild the food pyramid. Rebuild it in God's image. God is a laughing spider.
(Image of the...work in progress)
Caption: Atlach-Nacha ... I can hear you.
Put rectangle of nutritious farce — sinew and starch are not geometry! — in the machine that hates bacteria. If this were a poem, it would be 40 minutes of screams. Have you ever met a banshee? A BANANA banshee?Bananashee. He howls for fiber. He lives in this loaf.
BOOK:"When you are standing, and especially when leaning, hook your thumbs in your belt just above your pockets and point your fingers above the genital area. Because of the finger pointing toward the genital area, this sends out a sexual message to the woman and you'll be amazed at how many women pick up this signal."
Seanbaby: Whether it's Carl Sagan or Neil deGrasse Tyson, a good science communicator finds ways to take complicated, expansive concepts and translate them into conversational language. Others, such as Don Diebel, might ramble for 57 words about untested neuroscience instead of suggesting "Point at your dick?"
BOOK:"A woman sitting with her arms crossed can indicate she is frustrated and not having a good time and would welcome you approaching her."
Seanbaby: If a lady isn't having a good time at a party where a man is leaning against a wall pointing at his dick, it's probably because she's sitting too far away to see. Move in close, wiggling your fingers around your genitals as necessary. If her eyesight is especially bad, here is how you say "I'M POINTING AT MY DICK" in Braille: *A picture of that phrase in Braille is shown*
- Realizing that his second book, advice for women looking to pick up men, is literally just his last book with all the genders switched. In the few cases where it isn't, it's outright worse, like taking time reassuring women that picking up hitchhikers probably won't get them raped and murdered, and suggesting that women try to pick up male strippers by offering them cocaine.
Seanbaby: If you're luring junkie male strippers home with cocaine, you're operating at the very highest level of finding Mr. Right and Don Diebel can teach you no more. You started as a sad woman with a book and an unused lap. Now you have a man who loves your cocaine and cares about your cocaine, but who needs to leave soon to rub his balls on a birthday party. And he will remain faithful to you until the very moment a different person has cocaine. On behalf of all women and everyone who believes in true love, thank you, Don Diebel.
As you might imagine, most female-centric firearm videos are about sexy bikini girls firing machine guns, because even Ted Nugent's fan needs to masturbate.
the complete cycle of Pokevolution insult that is "virgin," "simp," and "incel."
Western Animation / Cracked (2016)
Parenting is a full-time job!
If you've ever had to babysit someone's kids or are a parent yourself, you'll know that it's not easy looking after little ones. Few know that truth better than Ed, an anxious red-feathered ostrich living in the middle of the desert who spends his days devotedly tending to his brood of eight eggs. While most birds would find sitting in the desert on a nest of unhatched chicks to be a simple job, Ed has a weird way of making it the most difficult thing in the world for himself. An overprotective perfectionist cursed with the worst luck in the animal kingdom, Ed always finds himself either causing or encountering problems that threaten the safety of his precious eggs, and thus puts himself through all kinds of pain to keep all eight of his eggs from being turned into a pile of splattered yolk and shell. But thankfully, his brood seems to have it much better off than him, and no matter what sort of suffering Ed goes through to protect his eggs, he can always be assured that they'll always come out completely safe in the end.
Cracked (known as Cracké in French) is a 2016 Canadian All-CGI Cartoon produced by Squeeze Studio, an animation studio based in Quebec City specializing in 3D animation. Consisting of 52 one-minute shorts, the series originally aired on Teletoon in its native country as interstitials during commercial breaks but has been broadcast in over 200 countries and territories, thanks to its shortness, lack of spoken dialogue, zany slapstick humor, and high-quality CGI animation giving it universal appeal and multi-platform potential. Indeed, the series has acquired over 400 million views on digital platforms worldwide and spawned both a mobile platform game and a mobile animated comic book. Official compilations of episodes can be found online on Youtube.
Not to be confused with a humor website and magazine or a 2013 Canadian crime drama series that aired on CBC.
- All-CGI Cartoon: Being a creation of Squeeze Studio, Cracked is animated entirely in 3D.
- Amazing Technicolor Wildlife: Ed is a ostrich with bright red feathers, rather than the black-and-white ones that real-life male ostriches have.
- Amusing Injuries: Ed frequently gets injured for comedy in his efforts to protect his eggs, although given the nature of the shorts, even his gravest injuries have no impact on his ability to protect his brood and nearly all of them are very comically over-the-top in nature.
- Born Unlucky: Nothing ever goes right for Ed, which is why he always ends up having to save his eggs from various predicaments. Thankfully for him, his eggs seem to have the opposite luck and always come out safe.
- Butt-Monkey: Ed. His terrible luck and neurotic personality lead to tons of misfortune for him, and he frequently endangers his eggs through his own tendency to overthink things.
- The Chew Toy: Ed. Most of the show's humor comes from the absurd and over-the-top ways in which he gets injured while protecting his eggs.
- Eye Scream: One of the more common forms of injury Ed tends to suffer from. Many shorts will have his eyeballs pop out of his skull, blinding his body and forcing his eyeballs to act on their own.
- Iron Butt-Monkey: Ed will put himself through uncountable forms of pain and suffering to protect his eggs for the amusement of the viewers, but he always ultimately succeeds in his goals.
- Losing Your Head: Happens frequently to Ed, which usually results in his body blindly fumbling around while his head tries to protect the eggs.
- Mime and Music-Only Cartoon: Asides from the occasional squawk or screech from Ed, none of the 52 shorts feature any verbal dialogue.
- Never Smile at a Crocodile: A significant number of shorts involve Ed having to protect his eggs from hungry crocodiles.
- Papa Wolf: Ed will do anything to keep his eggs safe, even if it means risking his life to fight predators, letting himself take blows that would kill him in real life, and even sacrificing his own body parts. And the best part is that he always succeeds in saving his eggs.
- Pulling Themselves Together: Ed's body parts have a tendency to fall off his body as a result of the slapstick he goes through, but Ed nonetheless finds ways to make things work, thanks to their cartoonish autonomy.
- Toon Physics: A prominent part of the series. Numerous shorts feature Ed performing cartoonish feats of body contortion to save his eggs or being injured in ridiculous manners.
- Wild Take: In true Zany Cartoon fashion, Ed tends to pull these whenever his eggs are in danger.
Alternative Title(s):CrackedSours: https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/WesternAnimation/Cracked2016
Tv tropes cracked
Awesome / Cracked
- Let us not also forget Wong's 7 Reasons the 21st Century is Making You Miserable. Most of his stuff qualifies, actually, but those two stand out above all the rest.
- They both end with a reassuring message. The first one tells you what will make you happy (friendship, altruism, and religious practices), and the second tells you how to not be miserable, so they do both end on a high note.
- What about The Monkeysphere? One of the few articles that doesn't rely on list-based humor (which is awesome, but we all need changes), and uses one of the greatest metaphors ever.
- The guide to how same-sex marriage in the United States will affect people, with almost every heading starting with "If You Are A Heterosexual..." and ending with "This will not affect you in any way."
- Six Harsh Truths That Will Make You A Better Person will probably make almost everyone reading it feel like a total loser, and probably a little depressed, but that's the point. The message; you can't expect any respect from anyone else, or yourself, if you don't ever do anything for anyone else.
- Not to mention the conclusion of his article "Five Changing Perspectives That Show You've Become an Adult", where he talks about the many letters that he's gotten from teenage fans who've admitted to contemplating suicide. As he writes, learning how to take responsibility for your own mental health is one of the most important parts of growing up.
"I fully realize that plenty of adults go through this — it's not a teenagers-only deal. The difference between an adult and a child in these situations is that a kid is used to being taken care of. If your parents notice you acting weird, they can step in and get you the help you need. But when you're an adult, all of that is on your shoulders, which means you have to recognize that the situation isn't normal, and you have to get up and pursue a cure yourself. Because adults get shit fixed, including themselves. An adult lives, goddamnit."
"When Archie is too progressive for you, that's how science identifies you as an earlier species. All those people asking questions about your protest aren't reporters, they're anthropologists trying to work out why you didn't die off before we became Homo sapiens. And if they said so, you'd be more upset about the "Homo" part. Instead of evolving from monkeys like the rest of us, your only improvement is flinging shit metaphorically instead of physically. And since several species of monkey enjoy homosexuality and don't say anything, they're two steps ahead of the American Family Association".
And he's already answered his own question: "do we as their consumers become more or less complex, thoughtful, insightful, witty, empathetic, intelligent, philosophical (and so on) by experiencing them?" Anybody who's ever felt even an inkling of something like that from a game is going to be understandably "concerned" when you insist that they're lying.
"Because there is nothing on this earth — not overwhelming odds, nor brutal police states, nor fear, nor violence, nor the kind of horrible, devouring apathy that makes things like death squads for children possible — that will ever, from now until the heat death of this whole screwed universe, force this kid to sit down and put his fucking shirt back on."
Arrogance is useless in a vacuum. You can't be right if no one is wrong. You can't win if there isn't a loser. And they can say we're all damned together, but they're the ones that knew it first. They don't admit to being winners or right or any of that, but that's so obviously what it's all for. So who is the website for? It's for themselves, and they're just telling themselves the same thing over and over again. No one who goes there is interested in really learning their point of view. It's like a sideshow, you go to stare. So the real audience is just the people writing it, cyber fapping their own bizarro Jesus C.H.U.D. dongs like OCD hamsters on a wheel of intolerance. So what's the point? Exactly.
The oppressor is up there, many floors above you. He thinks he's safe in his tower, his boot on the neck of the peasants, the status quo forever secure. But he is not safe. You are coming for him.
In all of the countries mentioned up there, the Internet is heavily monitored and regulated (or, in the case of North Korea, doesn't even exist for regular citizens). They are strict anti-technology cultures because technology fosters the spread of information, the control of which is vital for dictators to retain that unchecked power we mentioned earlier. The end result is a bunch of state officials who couldn't convincingly Photoshop Nazi paraphernalia into a picture of Mel Gibson's living room lording over nations they have engineered to be devoid of anyone they could hire to do it for them. The Onion has better Photoshop artists, and they manage to trick more people with their fake news than any of these assholes do.
The passage of time reveals a movie's true quality, not the number of gold statues it won. Citizen Kane didn't win the Best Picture, neither did Raging Bull, or Dr. Strangelove, or Rear Window or Star Wars. Keep that in mind while you're watching the circus, and you'll have a better time all around.
"It's been just about two years since I've spoken with any of [my family], but that's OK. I have friendships now that aren't based on a crazy space cult. And now that I'm out, I know that there aren't millions of loyal Scientologists standing arm in arm across the world. There are barely even 25,000 in the United States. And now there's one fewer."
"Look, crap has always existed. It's fine to not be good at something. It's even OK to be good at something and still be unentertaining. But what is this pervasive culture of being able to do something well and deliberately dialing it down to the blandest possible incarnation? The Ke$has and Guy Fieris of this world, the Adam Sandlers. We're all going to die. TRY TO DO SOMETHING BEFORE YOU DIE!
"I'm not talking about the people who try and suck — your Pitbulls of the world, who were always going to be affably mediocre. I'm talking about people with real ability and awareness who instead elect to autotune their work, pour donkey sauce on it, and otherwise piss in the pool and call it a day. If you have legitimate ability, you don't get to carpet bomb your success with the easiest option to assail the senses. You owe it to everyone who took the time to help you learn your craft to stand the fuck up and MAKE SOMETHING.
"No. Goddamn. Shortcuts."
Gladstone: Let me make something clear. In order to make these statements you must hate two things: logic and America. There is NO way to say that an individual has a protected right to do something and simultaneously criticize your government for not suppressing the execution of that right. There is no way for President Obama or any other president to put a stumbling block in the way of the free exercise of religion without violating the sanctity of that freedom. Should I say it more simply? OK. You can't legally stop people from obeying the law.
The Burlington Coat factory is private property. Those who want to build on it are private citizens. They are violating no law in wanting to build a community center. Under what authority do you propose we stop them? There is no "unless you're a Muslim within X yards of a national tragedy exception" to the free exercise of religion. Do the Gingrichs and Palins and Reids want to start a precedent where you can compel people not to exercise the freedoms guaranteed under our Constitution provided enough people don't like you?
And what are we saying to Muslims? That if they were good Americans they would willingly give up their rights? I can't think of anything less American than that? This is America. We do what we want. And all you have to do to have that right is be a citizen here. And if you're a traitor, well then we will prosecute you for treason and penalize you for taking up arms against the greatest country in the world, but we will NOT start curtailing your freedoms based on mere speculation fueled by lies about what you're building and where you're building it.
In the days following 911 it was very popular to say that we couldn't do anything differently in America or "the terrorists would win." We can't stop driving gas guzzling cars. We can't stop supporting dictators in other parts of the world for financial or political gain. We can't vote for a Democrat. Most of that was rhetoric. Some of it was probably true. But one thing is definitely true: if we ask our leaders to start dishonoring the freedoms that make this country great, the terrorists surely will have won. And I don't want to see that. Because unlike those with power and influence who would lie to you, I love America.
"By now, you're really getting pissed off. You're positive you know who your enemies are, and you're positive their background prevents them from agreeing with you. You feel I'm distorting the whole point of 'check your privilege.' To you, the phrase is noble. The phrase is simply beseeching the wrong-minded power elite to engage in self-reflection and see how their socialization has led them to be narrow-minded, oppressive, and wrong.
I've had friends explain that to me — 'check your privilege' is only trying to start a dialogue. That's almost the equivalent of saying that 'check my cock for your wife's lipstick' would start a dialogue about the state of one's marriage. The phrase is insulting. It's a shortcut allowing you to dismiss the opposing views of your adversary. It does absolutely nothing to illuminate.
If you're a black transsexual woman arguing with some white cisgendered male, and you truly want to explain how his 'privilege' prevents him from understanding your point, your struggle, or simply you, then spouting 'check your privilege' isn't going to help. 'Check your privilege' fosters no mutual understanding. Why not talk about you? Explain you? Share you?
What do you want: to be an understood, accepted part of the world with an equal chance for happiness and success, or just to tell the people you perceive as privileged that they're wrong? What is your goal? What is your endgame?"
"In all of his ventures, he's a paragon of slightly insane but surprisingly insightful positivity, and even the people who have met him and kind of buy into the 'elaborate hoax' theory admit he's one of the nicest guys they've ever met. So, some people are saying there's more than one of this man? To this, I say fuck yeah! I want there to be more Andrews W.K. The world needs more Andrews W.K. In fact, regardless of whether this thing is true, from now on I'm choosing to believe that there are at least a dozen of this guy running around, giving good advice to strangers, making faces on Fox News, going insane on Twitter, and rocking like no men have rocked before or ever will, all the while wearing that trademark smirk on their faces. At night, they all meet in a hidden Andrew W.K. lair and embark on secret missions where they fight crime. With the power of partying."
"I don't want Transformers to be Atonement. I want it to be Die Hard or Iron Man or Terminator 2 or even True Lies. Cheesy? Over the top? Full of explosions and ambiguously sketched terrorists? Perfect! I don't care if the hero hangs the bad guy on a missile and fires it into a building while telling him he is fired, as long as he has a reason to do it, as opposed to just checking his watch and going, "Oh, it's time for this scene in the movie."
"That means instead of the headline "Crazy Asshole Blackmails Man," they opted to act as an accomplice to the extortion of a man whose sexuality in no way affects anyone's life but the one they just ruined. Wrap your fucking skull passenger around that slice of journalistic nihilism the next time you consider clicking on another Gawker article. Seriously, as someone who researches the news on a daily basis, I'm telling you to stop reading Gawker right now. They're an insufferable garbage business that doesn't care about the news."
Sam Ragsdale: Robert Evans takes an unflinching look at some of the worst aspects of humanity and shows a remarkable compassion for both those affected by these crimes and those who perpetrate them. He looks beyond the veil of fear which so often grips us in our national grief and reveals a shockingly obvious truth about humanity. I think that truth is that we're all human and nothing can totally abolish our humanity.
Minticus: This kind of reminds me of what happened recently in England. A college invited (in)famous news personality Katie Hopkins to deliver a speech to the students. However the moment she started, they all got out of their seats and left, unwilling to entertain her.
I've heard a lot of people claim that the students are attacking free speech and pushing socialist ideas, and I'm a little conflicted myself. On the one hand, Katie is a vile, vile person, comparing people feeling for their lives to cockroaches, insulting fat people and people with tattoos with many stereotypes, refusing to allow her children to interact with children with fancy names (not foreign names, names like Harmony or Juniper). She is bigoted and loves to cause controversy to get more views. She would not have debated, she would have argued and screamed. Her arguments are borderline hate speech.
On the other hand, were the students right to leave? They are now refusing to speak to those who they disagree with, which is bad, and they have lost the chance to show that they can rationally debate those they disagree with, which is bad.
I'm not sure which is the correct course of action. Hopefully someone here can enlighten me.
"Motherfucker, I am 35 years old, and I've been gaming since I was younger than you. You're upset that Far Cry 4's graphics don't run at 60 frames per second? I remember when we didn't have graphics. I spent all night playing MUDs; my graphics were speed-reading. You think Mario is a cliche? I remember when he wasn't a thing. I've been playing games since before Mario. That's like being alive before Jesus. You're all, 'Excuse me, I think I know what I'm talking about — I've been to Bible college,' but you don't realize you're talking to a B.C. motherfucker. You complaining to me about your DLC and ping and tear rate — it's like complaining about your fancy steak being overcooked, when I was around before steak. I was running the Earth before mammals. I was back there eating the goddamn dinosaurs. All chewing on stegosaurus plates and shit. Oh, your meat is dry? My dinner is spikes. Raw spikes.
I'm a casual motherfucker, motherfucker? I am literally old enough to fuck your mother and it wouldn't be weird. I mean, supposing she was into it. People would see us together and they wouldn't be all, 'That's inappropriate.' They'd be like, 'Good for her; they seem nice together.' We'd hold hands and take funny pictures in a photo booth, and when she falls asleep in my arms, spent and satisfied, I'm so old that I wouldn't even get weird about it when she farts in her sleep. Because I not only accept the faults of the human body but actually get some comfort from the humanizing effect it has on her.
That's how 'casual' I am, you little bitch."
(Image of a grizzly bear)
Caption: Unless those readers are bears, in which case, eat shit.
This same thing happens in real life on college campuses. If a combat veteran attending college on a GI Bill is in a gen-ed history class, and there's video of, say, World War II combat, that could easily trigger that veteran's PTSD. Similarly, people who have survived rape may also be suffering from PTSD, and descriptions of sexual assault can trigger a traumatic episode. A trigger warning is a simple note in the syllabus saying, "Hey, we're going to discuss something that may cause some of you to relive a traumatic life experience. Please prepare accordingly." Those last three words are important, because that combat veteran or that rape survivor will likely actually prepare accordingly. It's a pretty complex idea, I know. Some people just can't wrap their head around it.
What it doesn't mean—but what most people think it means—is, "We might mention something that will hurt your feelings. Go hide in this special room so the bad words don't hurt your precious, fragile ears."
Most people, to feel special, have to actually do something special. But why not do what these guys do, and just make the rest of the world out to be wretched? Hell, once we've painted everyone else as mindless or murderous, all we have to do to feel superior to them is roll out of bed.
Remember what I said earlier about Dylan Avery and how it was probably just a desire for fame that drove him to do all this? Look at the parallel here. At the heart of all this is that basic human need to feel special somehow, twisted in the most warped and corrosive way imaginable.
In conclusion, the 9/11 Conspiracy Guys aren't evil and they aren't liars. They're merely filling a basic human need, using their imaginations and paranoia to elevate themselves to a level the real world will never elevate them to. Also, they're retarded.
But there's nothing interesting or redeeming about hating yourself until it kills you. It's the height of narcissism to think that you can atone for damage you caused by making yourself suffer for it, then declaring that the self-inflicted suffering made you a tragic hero. Sometimes you just have to let the people you hurt move on and thrive without you. Killing yourself for them instead of letting them assert their distance will just hurt them all over again.
So to look at a show that says "Keep going, do better" and respond with "But isn't it more mature to just give up because change is hard and we're all going to die one day anyway?" implies that the universe only exists to cater to you, that everyone else working hard to overcome their problems is just set dressing to your own misery, and that it's braver to die than improve. And, well, there's nothing especially mature about that at all.
Series / Cracked (Series)
Season 1 Cast: Poppy Wisnefski, Leo Beckett, Aiden Black, Daniella Ridley, Diane Caligra
Cracked is a Canadian television series that started in 2013.
It stars David Sutcliff as Detective Aiden Black, an ex-Emergency Task Force officer with the Toronto Police Service suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder who is transferred to the newly-formed Psych Crimes and Crisis Unit after an outburst involving barnyard noises in a diner. He and his new partner, forensic psychiatrist Dr. Daniella Ridley (Stefanie von Pfetten), and another pair consisting of Detective Poppy Wisnefski (Luisa D'Oliveira) and psychiatric nurse Leo Beckett (Dayo Ade) report to Inspector Diane Caligra (Karen LeBlanc) are called in to investigate any crime that seems likely to involve an emotionally disturbed person, whether as a perpetrator, victim, or witness. Resistant to the idea at first, Aiden slowly learns to appreciate the job and trust his partner, while trying to recover from the aftermath of two fatal shootings, and an ugly breakup with his girlfriend of three years, Detective Liz Liette (Mayko Nguyen).
As of the start of Season 2, Daniella Ridley has left the show, and Aidan has been partnered with the younger Dr. Clara Malone (Brooke Nevin). The show ended in 2014 when the CBC did not renew the show due to Ottawa's announcement for budget cuts to funding for Canadian Content series; insufficient funding led to its non-renewal. Not to be confused with Cracked.com or Cracked (2016).
Cracked provides examples of the following tropes:
- Action Girl: Poppy gets to demonstrate her action girl credentials on a number of occasions, most notably when she drops the perpetrator in the Season 1 finale with a single shot.
- An Aesop: The show's message is that the mentally disturbed are suffering from an illness and should be treated as such.
- Alpha Bitch: The prime suspect in "Cherry Blossoms", who drove a fellow classmate to suicide and doesn't feel bad about it at all. She's drugged insensate by her victim's friends, and then killed by one of their mothers.
- Ambiguous Disorder: Aiden Black. Several characters suggest he has PTSD, as well as some unspecified anxiety and mood problems, but no actual diagnosis is ever reached, despite his being interviewed by four different psychiatrists. Daniella calls him "cracked" in lieu of a real label.
- Amoral Attorney:
- Crown Attorney Houseman, who tries to destroy Aiden's reputation in "Inquest" in order to make her own career.
- Averted by Aiden's attorney in the same episode, and by Michael from "The Fallen" who, despite being a bipolar psychotic is a very good attorney who completely changed the life of at least one of his clients (getting her off of drugs and into a college).
- And Show It to You: Mandar Kush hits the worst of both tropes when he cuts out a man's heart and eats it in front of a crowd.
- Answer Cut: Aiden is trying to talk a bipolar, underwear-clad rocker off a high walkway, so he asks what it will take to get him to come down. Cut to the rocker wearing Aiden's jacket and pants.
- Antivillain: As people afflicted with mental illnesses, most perpetrators fall into this category, as much victims of their illness as the people they hurt.
- Archangel Michael: Michael, the bipolar psychotic from "The Fallen" sees himself as Michael or a representative of him (it isn't clear) during a delusional phase, even thinking that the knife he's carrying is the archangel's Flaming Sword.
- Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking: Aiden and Poppy arrest Mackenzie and Ian from "The Valley" on charges of "conspiracy to commit assault, aiding and abetting, obstruction of justice, outdoor drinking, littering, and dueling." No one but Aiden knew that the last charge was still on the books.
- The Atoner: Mandar Kush from "No Traveller Returns", who deeply regrets the murder he committed while in the midst of a schizophrenic break with reality. He's now on a regime of medication that he can't go off of (he receives injections at a hospital and will be returned to the mental hospital if he misses an appointment) and believes he will have to spend the rest of his life making up for it.
- Ax-Crazy: Despite what you might expect, the number of violently insane people on this show is relatively low. Most of the show's worst killers — Eliot from "The Light in Black" and the shooters from "The Tennants" & "Voices" are not insane.
- Ken Hobart from "White Knight" is a definite case while under the influence of bath salts (regressing to a non-verbal, animalistic state).
- As is Isabel from "Spirited Away" when during the throes of postpartum psychosis — she storms into her parents' house, brandishing a carpet knife, and planning to cut up her daughter.
- Mandar Kush, paranoid a schizophrenic and cannibal who believed he was being haunted by demons might be the standout, though we only see him like this in flashback.
- Badass Baritone: Leo has the lowest voice of any cast member, and as he proves in "The Price" can be quite the badass.
- Bald of Awesome: Leo Beckett.
- Bald of Evil:
- Michael from "The Fallen", Ken Hobart from "White Knight", and Mandar Kush from "No Traveller Returns" all have this look, but in a subversion are all deeply sorry after regaining their sanity, and in Michael's case, never hurt anybody in the first place.
- Mongo Golding, a career criminal in "The Tennants" and "Voices" is a more typical example, but it's subverted when it is revealed that he doesn't want to be the way he is, and accepts Leo's offer to help him start over.
- Batter Up!:
- Blessing from "What We Can't See" takes a baseball bat to the other children who were harassing her, leaving five kids with seventeen broken bones, and giving one boy a concussion.
- Ed Janoski of "The Hold Out" assaults developer Damien Trombley with one when he believes Trombley is responsible for killing his dog.
- Beard of Evil: Eliot from "The Light in Black" has a classic one. One of the shooters in "Voices" has an ugly, unkempt mess of one.
- Benevolent Boss: Inspector Caligra certainly does her best to protect both Aiden and the Psych Crimes unit as a whole, and makes an impassioned defence of them in "Inquest".
- Bitch in Sheep's Clothing: Dr. Sean McCray comes off as affable on the surface, but is a jackass under the surface, with Daniella eventually concluding he is a narcissist. Eliot from "The Light in Black" is a far more extreme example, being a Nice Guy on top, and a psychopath underneath.
- The Brute: Mongo Golding from "The Tennants" & "Voices" is a giant man, with a lengthy criminal record, who does most of his thinking with his fists. He beats the tar out of both Herman Strunk and Andrew Sharp, and tries to pick a fight with Aiden and Leo when they come to question him. It's eventually revealed that his recent behaviour has been because he is getting evicted and knows he has no life skills beyond hurting people. Leo sets him up with a job in a warehouse that employs ex-cons.
- The Bully: Schoolyard bullying plays a major role in "What We Can't See", while the teenaged variant shows up in "Cherry Blossoms."
- Bunny-Ears Lawyer: Aiden is an extremely talented police officer but prone to unpredictable outbursts, which results in his transfer to a unit where he'll be partnered with a psychiatrist who can keep her eye on him.
- Child Soldiers: In "Faces" we meet Ben Omari, a grown-up child soldier from the Democratic Republic of the Congo turned attempted murderer, who works over his former commanding officer with a knife. Given what said officer forced him to do, he's pretty justified.
- Chronic Hero Syndrome: Aiden and Clara each accuse the other of this in "Voices".
- Conflicting Loyalty: Daniella is asked by Calligra, her friend and superior, to report to her on Aiden, her partner. She struggles with it but eventually agrees, which comes back to bite her when it's revealed.
- Cop Show
- The Corrupter: Idaris John, alias Melungo the Wizard, who makes a habit out of convincing children and teenagers to turn murderer for him.
- Corruption of a Minor: Idaris John/Melungo the Wizard from "Faces", who abducted and trained child soldiers in the Democratic Republic of the Congo, forcing them to kill other children, and getting them addicted to drugs and alcohol as part of the process. After coming to Toronto he continues the process with a girl named Julia Grieveson, hooking her on marijuana, cocaine, crack, and meth, forcing her to kill small animals, and finally convincing her to commit a murder.
- Cult: "What We Can't See" features is a cult led by a pathological narcissist who has convinced his followers that they are going to be taken to a better place by aliens.
- The Cynic: Nobody in the cast is what you'd call a Wide-Eyed Idealist, but Aiden and Poppy are probably the worst in this regard.
- Da Chief: Inspector Diane Caligra plays this role to Aiden and the rest of the unit.
- Deadpan Snarker: Aiden, whose sarcasm is a defensive mechanism.
- Death Seeker: The shooters in "The Tennants" & "Voices" are both looking to die. When one of them fails to commit suicide, he tries to force Aiden, and then the ETF team to kill him.
- Defective Detective: Aiden has aspects of PTSD along with possible unspecified mood and anxiety disorders. Poppy's father, a long term cop who may be developing Alzheimer's, is in the same boat.
- Demoted to Extra: Detective Liz Liette, Aiden's ex-girlfriend, was in the opening credits in Season 1 and featured in numerous episodes. In Season 2 she's been removed from the credits and shows up less regularly.
- Disposable Vagrant: Mackenzie and Ian from "The Valley" believe that homeless men are "garbage" and use offers of money and booze to bribe them into starring in their Internet Gladiator Games.
- Distressed Damsel:
- Happens to Daniella Ridley in both "The Fallen" and "The Light in Black", requiring Aiden to rescue her the first time, and in a twist, Poppy to bail her out the second time. Neither of these incidents could remotely be considered Daniella's fault; both times she just had the bad luck to be visiting someone who, despite their having no apparent involvement in the case, turned out to be the perpetrator.
- In "White Knight" something similar happens to Detective Liette when she's taken captive by Aiden's stalker, Erin.
- Driven to Suicide:
- The girl from "Cherry Blossoms" offed herself due to torment from her classmates.
- In "The Valley" it's revealed that Simon Kelley killed himself.
- Liette believes that this will eventually happen to Aiden.
- Drugs Are Bad: Bath salts certainly are, as evidenced by Ken Hobart's psychotic break after he takes some in "White Knight." He ends up running around half naked, assaulting and biting a teenager, and then bashing a man's skull in with a pipe. "Faces" sees Melungo using drugs to make his victims more pliable.
- Enfant Terrible:
- Eliot from "The Light in Black" was sociopathic even as a child, and was shipped off to boarding school after he broke his little sister's arm.
- Blessing from "What We Can't See" is a milder example who, having been raised in a bizarre alien cult, suffers from mood swings, violent outbursts, and delusions.
- Exiled to the Couch: Happens to Leo in one episode, after a fight with his wife.
- Even Bad Men Love Their Mamas:
- The perpetrator from "How the Light Gets In" commits all of his crimes in the name of saving his mother's life.
- Eliot from "The Light in Black" seems genuinely angry over having missed his mother's funeral.
- Even Evil Has Loved Ones: Many of the perpetrators have family that they care about, but given that they are, for the most part, delusional, or otherwise mentally impaired, calling them "evil" would be unfair.
- Eliot from "The Light in Black" seems to be upset about missing his mother's funeral, and may actually care about his sister and niece; at the very least, Daniella notes he'd never hurt them.
- Nolan from "Swans" is a dangerous offender with a lengthy rapsheet, but does care about his mentally ill girlfriend, Emily, who returns the favour.
- Evil Brit: Mandar Kush has the accent, but none of the actual evil, having been legally insane at the time of his (admittedly horrifying) crime.
- Evil Cripple: Pete Kovacs from "Old Soldiers" is a one-handed Afghan veteran turned robber with a bad case of PTSD and a violent streak.
- Evil Duo: The shooters from "The Tennants" & "Voices", a pair of video game obsessed shut-ins, who think they can become famous by massacring their apartment building. The older one with the beard is clearly in charge, and is far more gungho about it, dragging the younger one along for the ride.
- Evil Genius: Eliot from "The Light in Black" graduated in the top five percent, and repeatedly demonstrates just how bright he is.
- Evil Uncle: Averted by Eliot from "The Light in Black". His liking for his niece is one of his few good traits.
- Fictional Counterpart: The show has the fictional Metropolitan Police stand in for the real-life Toronto Police Service
- Final Boss: Psychopath Eliot is this for Season 1.
- Five-Token Band: Justified, as the cast work for the police department in Canada's largest and most comopolitan city. Aiden's white, Daniella and later Clara are the white female, Leo's a black man, Inspector Caligra a gay black woman, and Poppy's actress is of mixed white, Asian, Mediterannean, Indian, and Hispanic descent, though the character's ancestry is unknown.
- For the Evulz: The shooters in "The Tennants" & "Voices", who are aiming to hurt as many people as possible so that they can become famous.
- The Fundamentalist: Marcie from "What We Can't See" is a fundamentalist cultist who believes that aliens are going to come and take her away, and raises her daughters to believe the same thing.
- Gentle Giant: Leo is a tall, muscular black man with a shaved head. He's also the nicest, most emotionally stable guy on the show.
- Gladiator Games: "The Valley" has a pair of teenage boys who get homeless men to fight one another for the entertainment of paying customers on the Internet.
- Green-Eyed Monster:
- Erin from "White Knight" is an obsessive stalker who becomes insanely jealous when the object of her affections (Aiden) rebuffs her or shows interest in another woman. This results in her taking Detective Liette hostage.
- The victim from "The Light in Black" was also prone to jealousy, but being a moron, directed his envy at his wife's brother rather than her boyfriend.
- The Greys: Referenced by the cult in "What We Can't See".
- Hallucinations: Michael from "The Fallen", Mandar Kush from "No Traveller Returns", the mother and daughter duo from "What We Can't See", Isabel from "Spirited Away" and several other schizophrenics, bipolars, and psychotics all see things that aren't there.
- Happily Married:
- Even after everything he did and an eleven year separation, Mandar Kush's wife is looking forward to his coming home. If that isn't a strong marriage we don't know what is.
- Leo is also married, for the most part, happily.
- Hearing Voices: Very common.
- The schizophrenic perpetrator from "How the Light Gets In" heard the voice of a doctor telling him that he could save his mother by stealing the energy from other people.
- Michael, a bipolar psychotic from "The Fallen" hears voices and sees things that convince him The End of the World as We Know It has arrived, and that he must gather an arsenal to battle Satan with.
- Mandar Kush, the paranoid schizophrenic from "No Traveller Returns", heard voices that told him demons were coming for he and his son Arun, and that he had to fend them off, leading to his spectacular murder of Peter Fong.
- "Voices" has Mark, a schizophrenic boy whose voices have become so bad, and who is so prone to auditory hallucinations, that he can no longer tell which voices are in his head, and which belong to the people around him.
- The Heart: The role of the psychiatrist and the nurse on the team, acting as the compassionate counterparts to the more cynical and punishment-prone cops.
- Huge Guy, Tiny Girl: Tall, muscular Leo is partnered with Poppy, the smallest woman in the unit, who is petite and young-looking enough to pass for a teenager.
- I Have Brothers: Poppy is the only girl in a family of four boys, at least one of which is a cop, all raised by their cop dad. She's a physically assertive, slightly tomboyish detective and is seen roughhousing with one of her brothers.
- I Just Want to Be Badass: A dark interpretation with the shooters from "The Tennants" & "Voices", who go on a killing spree to prove their masculinity and hopefully get famous.
- I'm a Humanitarian: Mandar Kush cut out a man's heart and ate it. In his defence, he believed that the man in question was a demon, and that only by eating his heart could he ensure that he stayed dead and stopped posing a threat to his son.
- Insane Equals Violent: Averted. Most of the mentally ill people shown are acting violently, but only because the taskforce is called in on police incidents involving emotionally unstable people. In the second episode, despite finding a knife-waving bipolar man covered in a murdered woman's blood, they don't think he killed her. He didn't. There are also several cases in which the insane person is the victim, which tends to be true in real life.
- Insanity Defense: Many of the perpetrators on the show would be eligible for the defense. Mandar Kush from "No Traveller Returns" did use the defense, and has spent eleven years in a psychiatric institution as a result.
- Interrupted Suicide: Aiden has to stop Alice Kelley from jumping to her death in "The Valley". He's also halted a couple of would-be suicides by cop.
- Kick the Dog: The second shooter's killing of Mrs. Fincher in "Voices" just to prove he had the spine to commit a murder.
- Kick the Son of a Bitch: One of the victims in the shooting in "Voices" is Andrew Sharp from "The Tennants" who pimped out his girlfriend to the landlord. Said landlord himself is killed at the joint start of "The Tennants" & "Voices", and is also a case of this.
- Kids Are Cruel: "What We Can't See" revolves around an investigation into the actions of an elementary school girl who snapped and assaulted her taunting classmates with a baseball bat.
- Knife Nut:
- Dominic Lazlo, a schizophrenic man who boards a schoolbus armed with a kitchen knife, stabs the busdriver to death, and then cuts the throat of a boy hostage during his death throes.
- Michael from "The Fallen" and Mandar Kush from "No Traveller Returns" are also fond of knives, and Eliot uses one on Daniella during "The Light in Black".
- Knight in Sour Armour: Aiden will always do the right thing, but he'll be cynical, bitter, and sarcastic while he does it.
- Loners Are Freaks: The way the rest of the tennants in, well, "The Tennants", treat their autistic neighbour. They should, it turns out, have been treating two of their other neighbours, who actually are sociopathic killers this way.
- Manipulative Bastard: Narcissist Sean McCray and psychopath Eliot both have a go at this. Of the two Eliot is by far the better.
- The Mentally Disturbed: Goes without saying given the premise of the show. So far we've seen schizophrenics, bipolars, a variety of paranoids, Tourettes' syndrome, an obsessive woman with histrionic features, PTSD, post-partum psychosis, and one bona fide psychopath.
- Mugging the Monster: The rapist in "Night Terrors" goes after a pretty, petite world-class triathlete who wakes up, grabs a baseball bat, and repeatedly bashes him with it while screaming at him to get out of her house. He's badly bruised enough that it helps the police recognize him, while she doesn't have a scratch on her.
- My God, What Have I Done?:
- The reaction of Ken Hobart after coming down from his bath salt high.
- Mandar Kush has a similar reaction upon regaining his sanity, and believes he should have died in the place of his victim.
- My Greatest Failure: How Aiden sees the incident on the schoolbus, where he was unable to prevent Dominic Lazlo from killing the boy he'd taken hostage.
- "Joy" the cult leader from "What We Can't See", who maintains absolute control over his deluded followers as a way of nursing his own ego.
- After the events of "Inquest", Daniella comes to see Sean as one.
- No Celebrities Were Harmed: Mandar Kush, the schizophrenic Toronto sidewalk murderer and cannibal from "No Traveller Returns" (who cut out a man's heart and ate it because he thought God told him he was a Hindu demon) is a fairly obvious stand-in for schizophrenic Winnipeg bus murderer and cannibal Vince Li (who decapitated a man and ate part of him because he thought God told him the man was an alien invader), from their status as immigrants, to the nature of their crime, right down to the eventual recovery and remorse.
- No-Holds-Barred Beatdown: In "The Light in Black" Eliot kills two of his victims this way, and then moves on to Daniella.
- No Social Skills:
- "The Tennants" features a girl with a bad case of Asperger's Syndrome, whose ability to interact with others is virtually nonexistent.
- Several schizophrenics featured on the show are in a similar boat, while Trey from "Spirited Away" is a milder example — he has social skills, but his Tourettes means that his best efforts often fail despite that.
- Non-Action Guy: Subverted by Leo. As a psychiatric nurse he has no reason to be a badass. This doesn't stop him from clobbering a gun and knife-wielding hitman in "The Price".
- Odd Couple: DetectiveAidenBlack and Dr.DanielleRidley. From the looks of things, Aiden and Clara will continue this dynamic in Season 2.
- Offing the Offspring: Isabel/Hayley from "Spirited Away" believes her daughter has a listening device implanted in her chest, and plans to cut it out with a carpet knife in order to save the secrets of the entire world.
- One Head Taller: Aiden is this to both Daniella and Clara.
- Only Sane Man: Downplayed. Leo Beckett is probably the most rational member of the cast. However, none of the others are idiots.
- Outlaw Couple: "Swans" has former teen delinquent Nolan and mental patient Emily whom he breaks out of the psyche ward so they can get married. It's a far less romantic version than most though — the attraction clearly isn't healthy, Nolan spirals out of control quickly, and in the end Emily is brought to the conclusion that they belong in prison.
- Papa Wolf: Mandar Kush, a schizophrenic who butchered a man in the street and ate his heart because he believed the man was a Hindu demon and posed a threat to his son, Arun.
- Parental Abandonment: More than a few perpetrators have this in their backstories. "Spirited Away" focuses around a teen mother suffering from postpartum psychosis who abandons her infant in a public park.
- Parental Substitute: Annika from "The Price" acts as this to her niece, Courtney.
- Pipe Pain: Ken Hobart from "White Knight" bludgeons a man to death with a piece of piping while under the influence of bath salts.
- Platonic Life-Partners: Poppy and Leo quickly settle into this dynamic. Highlighted when they are temporarily assigned different partners and make it clear they want each other back.
- Plucky Girl: Clara Malone who, in Aiden's words, has a "bravery problem" despite her lack of combat training.
- Police Brutality: Aiden is accused of this by Crown Attorney Houseman.
- Professional Killer: Tyrell from "The Price" is a professional drugrunner, thug, and hitman.
- Put on a Bus: Daniella goes on a leave of absence to meet the son she gave up for adoption, and decides to stay near him. This comes right after she and Aiden had decided to try and repair their working relationship, so it definitely stands out.
- Real Song Theme Tune: Wintersleep's "Weighty Ghost".
- Rescue Romance: Subverted in "White Knight" when a woman named Erin develops a crush on Aiden after he saves her life. She's eventually revealed to be an obsessive histrionic personality with a lengthy history of restraining orders being filed against her, and snaps when Aiden refuses to return her affections.
- Serial Killer:
- The perpetrator from "How the Light Gets In" was well on his way. A schizophrenic who believed that he could save his mother's life by ramming light bulbs into the chests of his victims, draining their energy, and then injecting said energy into his mother, he had killed one boy, failed to break into a second house, and was in the midst of trying to claim a third victim when Aiden stopped him.
- The perpetrator from "Ghost Dance" who murdered nine Native Canadian women from a combination of sadism and racism.
- Serial Rapist: Featured in "Night Terrors".
- Scary Black Man:
- Subverted by Leo, who while a huge, bald, tattooed black man, is easily the most pleasant person on the show.
- Played straight by Idaris John, a trainer of child soldiers from the DRC.
- The Schizophrenia Conspiracy: Averted. Excepting Mandar Kush, most of the schizophrenics on the show have not been paranoids.
- Screw the Rules, I Have Money!: Ian and Mackenzie from "The Valley" think that this applies to them, and their fathers' money will get them out of anything, even running an underground fighting ring. Aiden proves them wrong.
- Shell-Shocked Veteran:
- Aiden. This show being what it is, it's carefully examined by other characters who note that he doesn't have all the symptoms of PTSD.
- In "Old Soldiers" we meet a support group of shellshocked Afghan vets, one of whom robbed a bank, then suffered a flashback and opened fire in the middle of the street. He's eventually talked down by one of his old comrades-in-arms who is also in need of serious mental help.
- "Faces" introduces us to Benjamin Omari, a shellshocked former child soldier who knifed his one-time commander with and later joins Aiden's support group.
- We later meet Lazarus Keafe, a man of native descent, whose great-great-grandfather took him up north to live far away from the rest of humanity, and only spoke Cree. When we meet Lazarus he's barely holding it together, is unable to communicate, and is experiencing flashbacks and hallucinations, not because of any one traumatic event, but because of the strain of his life experience as a whole, and being able to speak only in a dead language in particular.
- The Shrink: Forensic psychiatrists Daniella Ridley and Clara Malone, and psychiatric nurse Leo Beckett, of the Awesome variety. Aiden's instincts are almost as good, but he's closer to the Warrior Therapist.
- Smug Snake:
- Sean McCray, narcissistic dick extraordinaire.
- There's also Mackenzie and Ian from "The Valley", and Idaris John from "Faces" who comes off as one when he lets his guard down.
- The Snark Knight: Aiden has traits of this, holding his own behaviour to the same standard that he does everyone else, and having no time for stupidity.
- Snark-to-Snark Combat: Aiden and Daniella engage in this a lot, particularly in "How the Light Gets In". Aiden and Clara also do it on occasion.
- The Sociopath:
- Eliot, the villain of the season one finale is a diagnosed psychopath with a string of murders behind him. While easily the worst of the show's villains (thus far), he's still treated as an actual person.
- The two shooters in "The Tennants" & "Voices" are likely psychopaths as well, going on a murder spree in an effort to become famous.
- Stalker with a Crush: Erin from "White Knight" who has a history of developing obsessions with men she meets and harassing them, as she proceeds to do to Aiden.
- Stepford Snarker: Aiden. His tendency to deflect with jokes led to his long-time girlfriend leaving him.
- Stop, or I Shoot Myself!: In the climax of the pilot episode, Aiden puts a gun to his own head to talk down a schizophrenic who is about to stab himself.
- Strictly Professional Relationship: Danielle and Aiden. She left the show before anything could come of it.
- Suicide by Cop: Several villains try this, but are normally talked down.
- Suicide, Not Murder: The solution in "The Valley". Simon Kelley killed himself, but his mother, who was having a nervous breakdown, came by afterwards and cleaned up, destroying the evidence, and (unintentionally) making it look like a murder because she "couldn't bear to leave him like that."
- Suspiciously Similar Substitute: Age gap aside, Clara Malone certainly looks a hell of a lot like Daniella Ridley, and plays the same role on the show. Whether her personality will be revealed to be different later on, of course, remains to be seen.
- Sympathetic Murderer: Plenty, from a schizophrenic who thought that he could save his mother's life by killing others through a rock star who killed his friend after he found out his son was actually the friend's, through a shellshocked Afghan vet who would rather go out in a blaze of glory than deal with his PTSD.
- Taking the Bullet: Mandar Kush tries to do this at the end of "No Traveller Returns", shoving Daniella behind him as a car hurtles towards them.
- Talking to Themself: Most of the show's schizophrenics will carry on conversations with their voices.
- Talking the Monster to Death: A theme in the show, with Aiden and his partner taking turns talking down various mentally ill people; it's Clara's success at this in "Swans" that convinces him she might make a good replacement for Daniella. In "Old Soldiers", Jessie, a badly damaged Afghan veteran does this for his old comrade Pete Kovacs.
- Teen Pregnancy:
- "Spirited Away" involves a teenaged mother suffering from post-partum pscyhosis.
- Daniella is revealed to have given up her own child at sixteen.
- Teens Are Monsters:
- "Cherry Blossoms" has a teenage girl Driven to Suicide by bullying from the Alpha Bitch, who is characterised as a sociopath with a penchant for underage drinking. Said Alpha Bitch is subsequently the victim of a practical joke turned lethal from the suicide victim's friends.
- There's also teen mother Isabel from "Spirited Away" who is simply insane, though she's counterbalanced by the presence of the young man with Tourettes' syndrome who looked after her child when he found it.
- "The Valley" features Ian St. Clair and Mackenzie, a pair of rich teenage boys who convince homeless men to fight each other, then film it and put it up on a pay website; they consider the homeless beneath themselves, and have no issues exploiting them for profit.
- "Faces" has sixteen-year-old Julia Grieveson, who murdered her former psychiatrist under orders from Congolese war criminal Idaris John, who also got her addicted to drugs and forced her to kill small animals.
- There Are No Therapists: Averted and defied. In addition to the main character being in therapy and partnered with a psychiatrist who is supposed to keep an eye on him (and she herself is also seeing a shrink), two of the main characters are psychiatrists, and the unit's purpose is to deal with crimes likely to involve mentally ill people and ensure their fair treatment.
- There Is No Kill Like Overkill: Mandar Kush from "No Traveller Returns" stabbed a man over a hundred times, cut out his heart, and then ate it, just to make sure he would not return from the dead (he thought the man was a demon).
- Title Drop: Danielle diagnoses Aiden as "cracked" at the end of the first episode, complete with meaningful pause.
- Tomboy: Poppy Wisnefski
- Uncomfortable Elevator Moment: Aiden is forced to ride pantsless in the elevator with Danielle and the bipolar rock star he had to give his pants to. Everyone but the rocker carefully pretends it's all normal, while the rocker is in a manic phase and cheerfully oblivious.
- White Male Lead: Aiden Black, the lead character, and only white man in a cast that otherwise includes two white women, one gay black woman, and a black man.
- Working with the Ex: Aiden and Daniella both have to do this in Season 1: he with ex-girlfriend Liz Liette, and she with ex-boyfriend Sean McCray.
- Would Hurt a Child:
- Isabel from "Spirited Away" is out to kill her infant daughter.
- In the backstory, Aiden had a bad run in with a disturbed man named Dominic Lazlo who took a school bus hostage, threatening the lives of all the children aboard, and leading to the death of one boy.
Alternative Title(s):CrackedSours: https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Series/CrackedSeries
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Dethroning Moment / Cracked
"The only reason we still even have a comments section is because it keeps them rounded up in a nice neat place where they can jack off to each other and leave the normal people to their adult lives. It's like having a play room for the kids at Thanksgiving so the adults can hang out and watch football without being annoyed every two minutes from some stupid, meaningless, dumb kid shit."