Why Do We Chase Men?
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Right ladies, it’s time to stop chasing men! I mean really, why do we do it for ourselves? Why do we go for the guys that seem unattainable or disinterested?
Because sure, there’s a bit of a thrill to begin with. Some of us love a challenge. But after a while, it just becomes frustrating more than anything, because it’s highly unlikely that you’re going to get the outcome you really want.
Nor are you probably getting back what you’re giving. So is it really worth our energy? I think not! So in this post, we’re going to get clear on how to stop chasing men, and what to do instead…
So first off, why do we do it? Why do we chase men? Well, we know what we want. Or we think we know what we want.
Maybe this guy is a bit of a bad boy, he’s just got the charm, is on the same level as you or has the dream looks that you’re after. He has lured you in, hook, line and sinker. And you just cannot get him off your mind.
The thing to remember here though, is no matter how irresistible he seems – he’s probably not as great as you’ve built him up to be in your head. And, he’s definitely not the full package if the mutual interest isn’t returned back to you.
Remember: the right guy will see your value. He’ll know your worth from the get-go. You won’t need to convince him!
The thing is, you don’t think about this when you’re chasing men. You’re just thinking about the outcome you want and you think it will all be worth it in the end.
It’s like a fantasy you’ve built up in a way… this end goal of true love and happiness. But you’ve got to snap out of it because you’re kidding yourself!
See, if you’re chasing men, there’s a good chance you haven’t really got to grips with your self-worth. You think true happiness is going to come from someone else and right now – in the heart of your pursuit – you only have one man on your mind to give it to you.
Fundamentally this is wrong anyway. And actually, it’s not particularly fair to put all these expectations on one person.
You should never go into a relationship looking for what you can GET, which is basically the attitude you have when you’re chasing a guy. You’re craving his attention, his affection, his love. It can become smothering. But why else isn’t it good for us?
This list could be so damn long, but here’s ten reasons for why you need to stop chasing men… Like now. This should be the reality check – the kick up the bum to get you to come to your senses. And it will make everything else so much easier from there. So, you ready? Alright, listen up and listen up good…
1. It’s Just Not Right
First up, that’s not the way it should be. If a guys into you, he’ll show it. If a guy wants you, he’ll make the effort. He shouldn’t need ‘training’ or ‘reminding’, nor should be need convincing that you’re worth it. He should just do it, because he wants to do it.
It’s like anyone in life really. If they want to be in your life, they will be. They won’t need chasing. And we touched on briefly above, but to go into a healthy relationship, it should be about giving, equally. This leads me onto my next point…
2. It Makes The Relationship Unbalanced
Once you start chasing someone, that’s it, the dynamics are all wrong. By chasing him, it’s recognising his worth, yet putting you on the back step, as though you’re not on the same level as him, hence why it’s not returned. This is only going to feed your insecurities.
And let’s say – best case scenario in your head – you secure him… You bag the man you want! Once things start to settle down, self-doubt is going to set in.
Does he feel as strongly as you? Are you ‘good enough’?
It will drive you crazy, not to mention tear the relationship apart. So please don’t put yourself through that… for your own sanity!
3. You’re Not Even Acting Like Yourself
This desperate, frantic search for approval from the guy you want, is also not pretty. In fact, it’s going to make you act in ways you normally wouldn’t and certainly stop you from showing the best version of yourself.
Because of this, even if the guy is potentially interested in you (but just possibly ‘playing it cooler’), you’re actually likely to scare him away by your behaviour.
There’s just too much pressure and intensity. And yes, I know you’re only chasing because you like him and don’t want to lose him, but you’re running the risk of getting him running the other way.
So take a step back and remember who you are again. This isn’t really you, is it? You are so much better this my friend!
4. You Need To Find Out How He Feels For Real
If you’re constantly the one messaging first, or making arrangements to do things, how will you know if he actually likes you? How will you know if everything’s just being carried by you, or if he actually feels the same way back and will reciprocate that effort?
Because he may do, but because of all your effort, it’s allowing him to get lazy… By cooling it down, you can actually better see where he’s at and make your own judgements from there.
You’re not necessarily testing him here, but you are giving him the opportunity to show that he’s just as interested too. It’s a good thing!
5. When You’re Chasing Him, It Takes The Focus Off You
If you’re so busy chasing a guy, it means you’re probably not giving enough time to yourself. He’s taking over, the balance isn’t right. So you need to shift your focus back on your life for a moment and do the things that make you feel good.
(And yes I know, being in his company makes you feel good, but you need to be careful because it may not necessarily last, and then where will you be? Back to square one! Only with a fresh new boat of rejection too!)
6. When You’re Chasing, It Stops You From Being Open To Others
You’ve got your heart so damn set on him, you can’t even let yourself see the other guys that are out there. You’ll end up missing opportunities because you’re just so consumed by this one person.
You need to stop chasing men so you can see the bigger picture again. Because actually, you may find there’s someone far more suitable, right in front of you… only this guy can see your value too.
7. If You Stop Chasing Men, They’re More Likely To Appreciate You
Men aren’t always the enemies here, sometimes we’re our own worst enemies. Men also aren’t always on the same page as us, so sometimes we’ve got to explain how we feel as they could just be oblivious.
Either way however, if you want to find a good guy, you’ve got to make sure they appreciate you. If you’re always so readily available, he won’t.
It’s like the stay-at-home-mum who looks after the kids and does everything for the husband and he just takes it for granted… not necessarily intentionally, but just because she’s always there.
The difference is here, you guys are not married yet! You’re dating. Things are new and exciting so the appreciation should be strong! Get things right from the get-go.
8. At The End, You’re Likely to Be Disappointed
Huh? Whaaat? Yep, I know. You may be surprised now, but it’s true. I can actually vouch for it. See, when you’re chasing a guy, you become so set on the outcome, the ‘mission’ if you like, you’ve actually ignored the little signs that maybe they’re not so perfect.
When you finally ‘secure’ them, and the thrill is gone, you can start to see things for how they really are and that they’re not actually everything you thought they were cracked up to be. Not always, of course. But sometimes. Because when you’re chasing men, your vision is blurred, you can’t actually see everything clearly.
You’re just focused on the chase and forget about all the other things that are really important to you. And sometimes, the guy just doesn’t cut it!
9. You Need This, Trust Me
You’ve got to stop chasing men because if you don’t it’s going take its toll on you. The chasing gets tiring. It also affects your level of self-worth, whether you realise it or not.
So please don’t let a guy wear you down, especially if he’s not doing the groundwork there too. He’s definitely not worth it and you’ve got to have the self-respect to walk away and put yourself first.
If he lets it fizzle out, you know you’ve done the right thing. A relationship is going to grow from two people who are mutually interested. So if you stop chasing and it doesn’t go anywhere from there… there’s your sign that you’ve avoided a whole lot of heartbreak!
You haven’t lost anything, you’ve just saved yourself some time by seeing that it clearly wasn’t ever going anywhere. Perspective ladies, perspective.
10. Love Shouldn’t Be Difficult
At the end of the day, love shouldn’t be difficult. When you get into new relationships there will inevitably be challenges, but love itself, shouldn’t be hard. So you shouldn’t need to chase. If it’s not right, don’t waste time on it.
What to do instead of chasing men? Well this part is actually quite simple. First up, you need to recognise when the dynamics are wrong and you’re chasing a guy.
Notice the imbalance, notice what you’re doing, and use all the reasons above to decide that – actually – you don’t like it, and you aren’t going to carry on doing it!
Take a step back, see what happens, see if he starts putting the graft in or if it then begins to fizzle. If it does, you then have your answer and must walk away!
In the meantime, instead of chasing men – I want you to focus on yourself instead. Become happy in who you are, before seeking others to be your source of happiness.
If you can do this, it will automatically encourage you to stop chasing men (and at an earlier stage than you probably find yourself in now!)
You’ll become pickier… Not necessarily in who you go for, but how they make you feel. Which is such, such, such a big thing!
How To Make Him Want You
So if you stop chasing the guy, he comes back, he starts acting the way you want him to – then you can build on it. You can follow these clever tips for how to make him want you even more!
With this, you’re still putting him first in many ways, you’re thinking what he’d want and what would make him happy – so if you’re going to follow these strategies, you must make sure he’s treating you right before.
Don’t try to make him want you if he’s not right for you. Notice when it’s not right and decide that – actually – you don’t really want him either!
If it is good, and it is going the way you want it to go, take a step back so that you’re able to fully appreciate it! Enjoy the good times, enjoy the happiness he’s bringing and remember that this is what you wanted!
Does This Mean You Have To Just ‘Play It Cool?’
No way! Just because this article is all about why you should stop chasing men, it doesn’t mean that you can’t ever pursue anyone.
Go for what you want girl! This isn’t about game playing and there’s nothing wrong with putting yourself out there and showing a bit of interest.
But, if you’re not getting it back and it’s starting to feel very much one-sided, that’s when you let it go. There’s a difference you see… and it’s all about being able to recognise that difference and get the balance right.
Because let’s be fair, if you have to chase (and are the only one chasing!), it’s not going to work. You deserve a lot better than this, and you’ll get it. But if you invest all this time in the wrong person, it’s going to stop you from finding the right one.
So stop chasing the wrong men! Know your worth. Like attracts like my friends. And trust that there is someone equally as awesome, just around the corner for you, waiting to find you too.
Stay positive – whatever happens from here.
Are You Pushing Him Away By Chasing Him?
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By Rori Raye
Are you chasing after a man and don’t even know it?
When you chase a man, you not only tend to unwittingly push him away, but in the end, you don’t give him the chance to show you how HE really feels about YOU.
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- What to do if he is distant and seems to have fallen out of love.
- Word-for-word love scripts to help you bring him closer than ever before.
- The secret psychology that makes him want to commit for life.
- The magic power you didn’t know you had to make him want you.
And yet, I know how frustrating it is to sit back and let a man drift away. We want a man to know we’re interested in him. We want to make it easy for him to ask us out again. We want to seem enthusiastic and easygoing.
We know we’re not supposed to be chasing after him, and yet we’re doing it in ways that we’re not even aware of.
We think being “friendly” is the same as showing interest in a man. We are taught to think that if we act “casual” a man won’t notice that we’re actually chasing him.
But, the truth is, we are. And when we do things that seem like we’re “chasing” to a man, it’s a turn off for him. He feels smothered and feels an aggressive “vibe” from you that does nothing to inspire him to want to get closer.
Here are some things we may think of as “friendly,” that are actually CHASING a man:
- Calling him before he calls you. This includes calling him because you heard or read about something interesting, or because you knew there was a great band playing somewhere, or someone told you about some great event that you want to invite him to or – anything at all. It also includes calling to ask why he hasn’t called you.
- Initiating contact. E-mailing him, texting him, Facebooking him, sending him a cute card, dropping by his house, or in any way attempting to initiate some kind of contact.
- Making suggestions or plans. Inviting him to come and join you, or in any way acting like the social director of the relationship.
- Asking him how he feels. This includes, especially, asking him how he feels about “you” or the “relationship.”
These are things we do almost without even thinking about it. These are things that feel natural to us, and we excuse them by thinking we’re just being “friendly.” And at the heart of this is one fear: Feeling like we’re going to lose him by not letting him know we’re interested in him.
AND, NOTHING COULD BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH.
Everything on this list is the same as putting a sign on your chest that says “Needy.” It smacks of desperation. And, it’s just plain not attractive to him.
He may LIKE it. He may be flattered. He may have no one else around and so he’ll date you. He may even come to like you very much. You may even end up in a relationship with him.
But, you will never know how he really feels about you.
In my FREE newsletter, I show you a different approach to dating that never lets you get hung up on one man and that actually works to attract the right man to you quickly – and the best part is it requires less of the kind of things that scream “chasing” and “neediness” to him and instead feel attractive and feminine.
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- A new way of being with a man so he'll want to be around you all the time, and will inspire him to want to caress you, pull you close and tell you he loves you
- The subtle energy shift that can make a tremendous difference in how a man starts to pursue you for a change – he’ll want all your time and attention
- A three-step formula for communicating your feelings to a man in a way that will actually make him want to come closer to you and share his own feelings – you’ll never have to walk on eggshells or hide the real you again, and he’ll fall more and more in love with you for it
- The specific words and body language that will make a man irresistibly attracted to you – and how to raise your self esteem so you feel good no matter what he does
- How to get the commitment you want without asking for it – he’ll think it's completely his idea!
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- What to do if he is distant and seems to have fallen out of love.
- Word-for-word love scripts to help you bring him closer than ever before.
- The secret psychology that makes him want to commit for life.
- The magic power you didn’t know you had to make him want you.
What to Read Next
When I was in college, I had a friend come to me for advice.
When she finished telling me what was going on, she asked me what she should do.
“It’s simple. Stop chasing after him.”
She was shocked by my advice… She didn’t even realize that she was chasing him.
So how do you know if you are chasing someone or coming off like you are chasing someone?
Sometimes it is hard to know for sure if you are the one doing the chasing. You may be doing it without even realizing it, like my friend that I mentioned.
I know what you are probably thinking…
“If I was chasing, I would know it.”
However, if you found your way here… to this article, I’m willing to bet that there is a little voice in the back of your head that is telling you,
“Maybe… just maybe I am chasing him.”
Okay, alright, maybe it’s not saying that exactly. Maybe it is saying something more like,
“I feel like I’m always putting in more effort.”
Starting to sound more familiar?
No worries! I’m glad you found this article because by the time we get done we will have covered three things:
- The two types of chasing
- How to tell which scenario you fall into
- What to do moving forward
Are you ready?
What is “Chasing?”
First off, what is “chasing?”
If we were to define it, chasing is the pursuit of someone or putting in effort or work to get the attention of someone.
Chances are, if you are aggressively pursuing someone, it will be more obvious to the people around you. So, if someone mentions that you might be chasing your ex… then it’s likely it’s true.
Typically, the person that is “chasing” wants to be with the other person more or considered more “needy.”
Still not sure if you are chasing him and wondering how you can tell?
How Can I Tell If I’m Chasing Him?
There are several ways to get a feel for if you are the one doing the chasing.
Below I made a list of the Top 4 Signs of Chasing for you.
Before we get into that, I want to let you know how I came up with this list. Hopefully, it deters you from wanting to chase ever again.
Years ago, this guy had a crush on me. Let’s call him “Bill.”
Bill had such an obvious crush on me. Why was it obvious, you ask? Because his chasing was obvious. See, if there was the Chasing Olympics, I’m pretty sure Bill would take gold.
When preparing to write this article, I jotted down “signs of someone chasing.”
Almost immediately, I was reminded of Bill and his efforts to win me over. Bill and his chasing efforts are the inspiration for this list.
Don’t be a Bill.
Top 4 Signs That You Are Chasing Him
1. You Initiate Most or All of the Conversations
This is pretty self explanatory. If you are always the one starting the conversations then you may be chasing.
2. You Are Constantly Asking About His Life But He Rarely Asks About Yours
If you are regularly asking him about his day, his work, a new thing he did, his post on Instagram… you get my point, but, he never takes the time to ask about anything new in your life, then you might be chasing him.
3. He Does Not Engage In Conversations or Often Stops Texting Back
If you are having a conversation and he regularly falls off the face of the planet or simply sends a series of one word answers, this is not a good sign and you are definitely chasing. This is often paired with him texting you back several hours to days later trying to pick up the conversation where it left off.
4. When He Does Text Back He Will Often Take a Long Time to Respond as Opposed to Your Quick Response
This is also pretty self explanatory. If he regularly takes a long time to respond, it is possible that you may be chasing. It may also come off like you are chasing if he regularly takes a long time to respond and you always respond immediately.
5. You Gnat Him
Last but not least, you Gnat him. Basically, Gnatting stands for “Going Nuts At Texting,” and is texting someone repeatedly with little or no response. Think about a gnat buzzing around that you want to swat away. If you are texting him non stop, I hate to break it to you but you and your repeated texts, are that gnat, and you are bugging him.
If you want to know a little bit more about gantting and other mistakes women make with their ex, check out this video.
If you are experiencing these things on a regular basis, then it is likely you’re chasing him.
Now, if my amazing list – and let’s be honest, it was amazing – is still not enough for you to determine if you are chasing, I’m going to let you in on a little secret.
What if I told you, I could take your phone from you, look at it and tell you with confidence whether or not you are chasing?
No, I don’t have superpowers…
And seeing I can’t actually reach through the screen and take your phone from you, I’m going to tell you what to do.
1. First of all, grab your phone and pull up your conversations with him
2. Then, I want you to look at how much of the screen is represented by you versus represented by him
What do I mean?
Here take a look at two examples:
In both Examples, the texter is blue.
In Example A you can see that the the majority of the screen is blue, meaning that the texter is doing most of the conversing, and most of the effort.
In Example B you can see that there is a fairly even balance between blue and grey, meaning that both people are putting in about the same amount of effort.
…. Do you see where I’m going with this?
Reminder, “chasing” means pursuing someone or putting in effort or work to get their attention.
So, one easy way to tell if you are chasing is to simply look at your conversations and see if you are regularly putting in more work than him there.
The idea is to identify a pattern. if you see a pattern in your texts that indicates that you are doing most of the texting, then you may be chasing.
Now that you have some easy ways to tell if you are the one doing the chasing, I want to give you two situations you may be dealing with. They come from one simple question…. Does he want you to chase him?
1. He Wants You to Chase Him
2. He Does Not Want You to Chase Him
I know, I know, I know. Those were pretty uneventful and may seem a little obvious. But, it is important to distinguish between these two scenarios because they are totally different and the reaction that you are getting from him may be different. So, it is important to have an idea of whether he actually wants you to pursue him or not.
Scenario 1: He Wants You to Chase Him
Why would a guy ever want you to chase him?
I guess this is a good time to talk about the biggest thing a man brings to the room… No, not that!!!
I’ll give you a second to get Beyonce’s song “Ego” out of your head.
Anyways… Men have HUGE EGOs.
After a breakup, whether you did the breaking up or he did, it’s normal for egos to be a little sensitive. So, If you dumped him… POW! It’s a blow to the ego. If you start seeing someone else, even years later, POW! If you pull off No Contact and the Ungettable Girl Methods then it’s likely he might think that you aren’t “that” broken up over the breakup… POW! Yes, even if he did the dumping. And yes, even if he is out partying and acting like everything okay. Even if he is talking to or dating another girl!
You see, everyone wants to feel desired, even your ex boyfriend.
This is why some guys will let you chase them, and chase them, and chase them. It makes them feel desired and reassures their ego that they are wanted. It may even make them feel good to know that they “have” you.
So, how do you tell if this particular guy likes being chased?
How To Know If He Likes Being Chased
Guys that like to be chased will often bait you in with minimal effort texts and then disappear once you are engaged. This cycle will then repeat itself days later when he wants attention or his ego boosted again.
Not sure what I’m talking about, see the below as an example.
This guy will enjoy the feeling of knowing that he has you.
He will often check in, confirm that you will chase him and then when you do, back off. See how he just dropped off and didn’t respond?
What to Do If He Likes to Be Chased?
So you think that your guy likes to be chased and you are wondering what to do?
You need to shift the dynamic.
When he checks in to see if you will chase him, don’t chase him. If you don’t do the chasing, this will force his hand a little bit into having to be the one doing the pursing.
Need an example?
Well, it’s your lucky day! Here’s one using the same example as above.
Notice that this time that the blue texter (you) didn’t pursue as soon as the grey texter (him) checked in. The blue texter also didn’t try to push the conversation. When realizing that it wasn’t going anywhere, the blue texter exited the conversation.
Overtime, this will force him to have to work to get your attention and pursue and chase you instead.
Scenario 2: He Does Not Want You to Chase Him
Scenario 2 is completely different.
Sometimes a guy simply does not want to be chased. He is not checking in or trying to bait you into chasing him.
Instead, in this scenario you are probably checking in on him and chasing him anyway… and he wants nothing to do with it.
Sorry! I know that was kind of harsh but I had to say it.
Some guys appreciate their space and truly find chasing to be unattractive. They like to do the chasing and they hate being chased because it takes away the challenge.
And it’s no secret that men like a challenge.
The point of this tangent is that, some men will not want to be chased by you because they want to do the chasing and they like the beauty of the challenge, so don’t take that away from him.
How To Know If He Does Not Want to Be Chased
So, what does this look like exactly and how do you know if he doesn’t want to be chased?
A guy that does not want to be chased will often be unresponsive to your efforts to chase him or even respond negatively.
Remember, he doesn’t like this so he’s not going to encourage it like the Scenario 1 guys.
You know what, let me show you.
See how this guy is showing zero interest in being pursued? He wants to do the work and you aren’t letting him by doing it for him.
How sweet that you invited him to a hockey game but he probably wants to invite you out when he’s ready.
Secret Scenario 2B
I want to take a moment to really quickly talk about one exception to the above.
If you gnatted your guy, it is very possible that he does not want to be chased for that reason. He may like to have his ego boosted from time to time but he may fear that if he checks in or encourages the chasing that you will gnat again.
If you gnatted and think you fall into this case, proceed just as if you always fell into Scenario 2, whether or not he has wanted to be chased in the past.
Got it? Good!
What Should I Do If He Does Not Like to Be Chased?
I’m willing to bet that you know the answer to this.
If you said “stop chasing him,” then you are right on the money!
Now, it is important as part of the EBR program that you text your ex to build rapport, so it is going to be a bit tricky to strike the perfect balance.
In this scenario it is even more important that each text that you send to your ex has a purpose and is interesting. It is also really important that YOU end the conversations FIRST and at the HIGH POINT.
If you can do these two things, this will help shift the dynamic so he doesn’t feel like you are chasing him.
Should I EVER Chase Him?
Okay, I know I said before that I bet you already know the answer but now I’m REALLY willing to bet now that you already know the answer to this.
Instead of wondering
“Does he want me to chase him of leave him alone?”
Just assume that you should never chase him.
Yes, even if he wants you to chase him.
Will He Notice If I Stop Chasing Him?
Yes, if he has any interest, he will notice.
Now, with every EBR method, it is important to recognize that this is a process and will take time. If you have one conversation after reading this article and don’t come off like you’re chasing him, that is probably not going to do it.
However, over time, he will notice the change.
I will also let you know that Scenario #1 guy is more likely to notice more quickly because remember, he likes that ego boost and being chased. If he is not getting that constant reassurance that you will always be there for him and cue ready to chase him, he will notice.
How to Stop Chasing Him
Alright, so now that we have talked a bit about whether your ex wants you to pursue him or not and the fact that most men don’t find being aggressively pursued attractive, we need to talk about how to go about pulling back. Because, lord knows, there are definitely wrong ways to handle it.
- Dropping of the face of the planet
- Announcing that you are done
- Being indecisive or a pushover
And you find yourself wondering if he will even notice if you stop chasing him.
What Happens If You Stop Chasing Your Ex All Of A Sudden?
Okay, first let’s talk about dropping of the face of the planet. There is only one time that dropping completely out of contact is really understandable… can you guess?
Yep! It’s right after the breakup when you begin No Contact.
Because you just went through a breakup. It makes sense that you would need to take some time to yourself.
Now, yes, we do have situational exceptions for which we have laid out extensive game plans. Think about it. You have been chasing and chasing and chasing without letting up since the breakup and then suddenly you just stop.
What is your ex going to do if he likes you chasing him.
HINT: we talked about it earlier.
That’s right! He’ll engage just enough to keep you chasing, but won’t ever give you what you want… to get back together.
What do you think he’ll do if he doesn’t like it?
He’ll pull a Houdini of his own and end up even further away.
And that is something you don’t want.
What Happens If You Make a Big Announcement That “You’re Done!”
Let’s be honest… if you are thinking about doing this, you are hoping to scare him into chasing you back.
It doesn’t work that way.
He might react the way you hope at first but have you ever been given an ultimatum? Generally, even if you do what the person doing the demanding wants, you end up resenting them for it.
Is that really how you want to get your ex back? Do you really want him resenting you for the rest of your relationship, however long it lasts?
Being Indecisive Or A Pushover
Chances are pretty likely that he will engage enough to be polite or keep you hanging on to stroke his ego.
If you stop chasing him you have to be prepared to stick to it. Don’t just roll over because he responds once or twice. And definitely don’t start gnatting or chasing again just because he showed a slight interest.
How And When To Stop Chasing Your Ex
Well, the best time is always RIGHT NOW.
You’re probably asking yourself,
“But, if I’m not just supposed to drop off the face of the planet, how am I supposed to go about this?”
Well, my friend, you are going to want to do it gradually.
First of all, stop messaging or answering at night and on weekends. He shouldn’t take precedence over your sleep or your weekend plans. (Even if you are just Netflixing, just let him think you are busy. Trust me.)
Secondly, you are going to stop flirting with him. Just quit it. He’ll notice and the first place a guy’s mind goes when a girl stops acting interested is…
“Holy crap! She’s found someone else!”
Thirdly, maybe once every other week, or even every third week, send him something you know he won’t be able to resist responding to. (Check out our articles about reconnecting with your ex. They have some great suggestions for how to write engaging texts OR The Texting Bible)
Lastly, when he reaches out, don’t flip out and respond instantaneously.
The idea here is to gradually pull away and leave him chasing you.
The Break Down Of This Article
Yeah I know this article was pretty information-heavy. Just remember that chasing is pursuing someone or putting in effort to get someone’s attention. The general idea is just to stop trying so hard.
Now that we have that out there, I want to do something for you. I want to discuss your specific situation in the comments below. Let me know:
- A little bit about your breakup
- How long you have been chasing your ex
- What methods you will be implementing after reading this article
Hopefully, we can give you a little EXTRA insight on what you should do moving forward.
Five Reasons Why You Should Never Chase a Guy
I want to start off by saying that I consider myself a very evolved, independent, strong woman. I am a steel magnolia…I am no one’s shrinking violet. And I don’t need a man to chase me around endlessly or doggedly pursue me while I feign disinterest in order to play “hard to get.” I’m actually not a fan of game playing at all. Once you hit forty, you’re kinda over all the childish nonsense. These days the only game I’m interested in is Catchphrase. Or Heads Up. (Now that game is just good times.)
All that said, I am also very much a traditionalist when it comes to dating. I don’t need to be doggedly pursued, but I do prefer that the man make the first move. I prefer that the man be the initiator of at least the first date. Because I view dating as dance, I prefer the guy take the lead; not all the time, but the majority of the time, especially in the early stages of dating. I’m not afraid to ask a man out, and I’ve been known to do it, but it’s not my preference. Why? Because I’ve never had good results when I’ve been in a dating situation where I was the primary instigator. Usually when I’m the primary instigator, it’s a pretty clear sign that he’s just not that into me. I don’t know about you, but I’ve never known a man who didn’t go after something he REALLY wanted. (Maybe you feel differently, and that’s totally cool!)
Modern dating can be extremely tricky. And by “tricky” I mean often infuriating, frustrating, and about as clear as the meaning of those Matthew McConaughey car commercials. No one’s dating anymore, they’re “hanging out.” And in the midst of all this super casual “hanging out,” signals and wires and intentions seem to have gotten crossed. Instead of men being engaged and taking initiative and making an effort to “woo” women, a lot of men seem to be sitting back waiting on women to woo THEM. It’s almost like while the women have been working extra hard at dating, the men have taken an extended leave of absence. And it’s causing all sorts of chaos.
Now, please don’t make me launch into some diatribe about how men are natural hunters and gatherers and are actually genetically programmed to be the initiators of relationships (because it’s true, but I don’t feel like doing the research to prove it). And please don’t misunderstand me, either. I’m not suggesting we, as women, sit around sniffing our smelling salts like Scarlett O’Hara or play the hapless, helpless female in need of a big, strong man to come and rescue us. That’s not my point here at all. My point is this: A lot of men seem to have forgotten how to make a genuine effort when it comes to dating, because us ladies are making all the effort for them. And in my humble opinion, a relationship that begins as a result of a woman doggedly chasing around after a man doesn’t tend to have a happy ending. I know this because I’m 41 years old and I can say with full confidence and with years of dating experience under my belt that anytime I have chased a man, the relationship has gone nowhere fast. But when I sit back and relax and stay open and receptive to the relationship without doggedly pursuing it, it has always, always, always worked out better. Because if I make my interest known without overkill and the guy doesn’t make a move, at least then I have my answer. (And btw: I consider myself a feminist. But part of being an empowered woman is knowing your heart, your time, and your company is worth being wooed and pursued. I mean…I want to be wooed and pursued! And I’m not ashamed to admit that. Don’t you?)
Now let’s define what exactly I mean by “chasing,” just so we’re clear. I absolutely believe that making your interest known and clear is a beautiful, and even necessary, thing. Men need to know that we’re into them as much as they are into us. I don’t consider texting a man first, asking a man out, or being 100% open and demonstrative about your feelings “chasing.” Again, I’m never about being coy or cagey or playing games. Chasing is when you’re daily blowing up his phone and he’s breadcrumbing you with one or two vague responses a day. Chasing is when you’ve asked him to hang out five times to his one. Chasing is when you are making ALL of the effort, and he is making none.
If you’ve lost months or years of your life to endlessly pursuing a man who always seems to stay one step ahead of you…here are five reasons why you should stop chasing that guy:
1. It’s humiliating, exhausting, and downright bad for your self-esteem. It’s impossible to feel good about yourself if you’re willing to trade in your dignity for a pair of running shoes in order to chase after any man. Especially one who doesn’t seem all that interested. And your dignity and self-esteem are never worth surrendering, for anyone or anything.
2. If you have to chase him, ladies, here’s the cold, hard truth: He doesn’t want to be caught. A man who wants to be with a woman will always be running TOWARD her, not away from her.
3. He’s clearly not that great of a guy. Why? Because a man of character would stop dodging and evading and being shady and would sit down with you face-to-face to tell you honestly that he doesn’t want to be with you. He wouldn’t keep playing games with your heart or keep you hanging around as his backup plan.
4. You are missing out on the things and people and relationships that are meant for you by wasting all your time and energy and emotions on the things that are not. When you stop chasing the things that aren’t for you, you give the things that ARE a chance to catch up to you. But as long as you’re caught up in the drama of a hopelessly frustrating and seemingly endless pursuit, you literally have blinders to all the amazing things already staring you right in the face.
5. Even if you catch him, you won’t really ever have him. I’ve learned this firsthand, the hard way. You can have someone’s physical presence there with you and their heart can still be light years away. On the bright side, the really amazing thing that sometimes happens by catching someone you’ve been chasing for so long is it finally opens your eyes to why it was never meant for you to catch them at all. Because sometimes it takes getting everything you ever thought you wanted to fully understand it’s nothing you need, and far from what you deserve.
In closing: Be open, be clear, be communicative, be engaged, don’t be afraid to be bold and text a man/call a man/ask a man out first…but please, by all means…stop chasing him if he keeps running. Something better is coming! You are worth being wooed and pursued. It’s time to resign from any relationship that makes you feel like getting to know you and spend time with you is “work.” The only man you should be chasing is the ice cream man on a hot summer day.
*This is an excerpt from my new book, Don’t Believe the Swipe: Finding Love Without Losing Yourself, available HERE for just $12 + FREE SHIPPING!
A man what is chasing
This Is the Difference Between Showing Interest and Chasing a Guy
"Don't call boys." This was my father's advice for me as I navigated dating throughout my teen years.
It was advice that I once thought to be "old-school" but now understand to be timeless wisdom. What my dad knew, and I would soon find out, is that I wanted to be the one pursued in a relationship. If I had to pry a date out of a guy or ask him out myself, any confidence I derived from being "strong" and "independent" would inevitably fade into doubt and distrust of the guy's true feelings for me. What's more, most men will only date a woman if he is a.) interested and b.) ready, regardless of who pursues who. So in the end, pursuing a guy really doesn't increase your odds of romantic success, only your chances of being met with disappointment.
Don't get me wrong, initiating or "making the first move" is an empowering and very natural thing for women in the realm of meeting and mating. According to research women are typically the choreographers of most first meetings. In fact, when studying and scoring women’s nonverbal behaviors, such as eye contact and smiling, researchers were able to predict a man’s approach to her with 90 percent accuracy.
But the problem many women are faced with today is how to rectify the necessity of initiating the first move with the desire to be pursued.
The difference can sometimes feel like splitting hairs, but when it comes to the laws of attraction, even the smallest of gestures can send just the right or wrong message. So, to help clear up the confusion as best I can, here are three ways you can tell if you are just letting him know you're interested or if you're the one who is doing the pursuing.
When you text him first.
It's one thing to casually give a guy your number and then leave the ball in his court. It's an entirely different thing to text or call a guy after a first meeting, fishing for a date. It's a fine line, but in the mind of a man, it tends to make a difference. Giving a guy your number is a form of flirtation and a clear way to tip a guy off that you are interested. Calling or texting a guy first on the other hand, especially if you don't have any other pretext, is taking matters into your own hands. Ask a guy and he will probably tell you that, if he is attracted to you, you will be warmly received in either scenario. But that is not really the point. The point is that you want to be the one being pursued and, while there are exceptions to every rule, it's smart to set the precedent from the get go.
When you feel like you are filling in all the gaps.
I know a lot of women who are so afraid of making a man feel like she is trying to catch him, that she never throws the poor guy a line. Guys needs clues. They need you to send them signals that you are interested by rewarding their introductions with a warm smile, asking questions that help keep to conversation going, making eye contact from across the room, and suggesting other days you are available when the date he proposes won't work.
That said, if you feel like you are filling in all the gaps, you may be doing more work than you have to. Things like finding him in a crowded room after he excuses himself from the conversation, reaching out to him when he fails to follow up on a date as promised, or always being the first to initiate planning the follow up date take the ball out of his court. As I have been reminded time and time again by men, if a guy is really into you and ready to make a move, he will.
When you have to strategically plant yourself in certain places in order to see him.
Certainly there is nothing wrong with strategically running into a guy you like, when you have the easy and natural opportunities to. But there comes a time when allowing for the possibility becomes a painful, persistent pursuit. I think with a little tough-love of self, every woman can identify where the line between helpful initiation and pursuit is. Ask yourself the following question: Have you given him ample opportunities to make a move and he just hasn't? If this is the case, it's time to back off and not try so hard. This doesn't mean you should avoid him, but it does mean you should reassess your reasons for attending certain social affairs and let him go.
The most important thing to remember about all this is that these rules of thumb are purely for you and your sense of peace as you are meeting men. So throw the guy a line and waiting for him to bite—and if he doesn't, you can rest assured knowing you weren't chasing someone who isn't interested.
5 Signs You’re Chasing Him
5 Signs You're Chasing Him
Alright ladies so if the man in your life is giving off any of these signs you may be the pursuer. You’ve heard it said before that men love the chase, and this is somewhat true. Practicing patience can go a long way in a new relationship. When a man finds a secure woman that is not needy for his time or attention, it forces him to step his game up. Even if you think you’re just being friendly and flirty sending him a text or surprising him at his job for his birthday, you may be harming the relationship and opening the door to get hurt.
Dial it back. Too much too soon could put you at emotional risk. If you are in the “chaser” zone there’s a good chance you’re trying to compensate for something missing that no man can give. Do some self evaluation and examination to know what it is you’re really after. Still unsure who’s chasing who? Check out these signs for more.
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